Seriously?!

Al Dura

2012-01-27T20:39:00.002-05:00

Got the postition as Stage Manager for the production of "Al Dura: Truth or Deception" by Kalman Kivokovich

The play takes place Tuesday April 24th at the Aronoff center in Cincinnati. It's a pretty compelling script (that you'll have to trust me on).

I'll be at rehearsals here until April and will be at home again. Because the stage is where I belong.

Al Dura: Truth or Deception?
Written & Directed by Kalman Kivkovich
Production Consultant: Cathy Springfield
Technical Director: Kyle Tieman

Loosely based on a tragic incident in the Middle East, and a follow-up notorious round of court battle in Paris, France.

On September 30, 2000, France 2 TV broadcast footage of a shootout in Gaza, zooming in on a Palestinian father and his 12-year-old son taking cover behind a concrete drum. According to the report, filmed by a Palestinian reporter for the state-run French network, the boy, Mohammed al Dura, was gunned down by the Israeli forces . . . but was he really . . . ? What you hear from the media is not always the truth, and too often the media become the NEWS. . . .

Tickets are only $ 8
Reservations may be made in advance at Aronoff Center Box Office,
or by calling 513-621-2787, or online
http://www.cincinnatiarts.org/index.jsp?eventDetail=1&event_id=1207

Lights!

2012-01-21T17:44:00.003-05:00

I updated (in other words, actually created) my acting resume yesterday to get a job as a stage manager. It was interesting to sit back and think through all that I had done for theatre. I realize that I have worked with quite a few of very talented people, but mostly have one person to thank for my education; Burt McCollom. He gave me my start, taught me stage direction, secrets to remembering dialogue (something I struggle with) and the back side of the stage.

I've also had the privilege of working on a number of short films. Everything there has been behind the camera, but is no less fascinating or gratifying. I've worked with some really great people (and on sound guy who scared the living daylights out of me the first day of filming) and have a ton of great memories.

Entertaining is so much a part of me, it's odd that I haven't acted in years. It's time to get back on that horse. It's time to shake off the dust and see what I can do.

The show must, you know, go on.

(Working on the short film "Normative Behavior" I made blood and covered the actor who killed the other. Pretty fun actually)

Engaged!!!

2012-01-13T20:08:00.003-05:00

My brother got engaged tonight to the beautiful Karrie Stall. Can't wait until she's my sister!

Don't Open That Box

2012-01-09T18:44:00.003-05:00

My brother excels at wrapping gifts in interesting ways. For example, I got a bag of M&M's stuffed in an old shoe of his and duct tapped shut a few years back. Apparently he looks to out-do himself and this year was the topper.

Please note the straws labeled "Food", "Water", and "Air". Probably the best part. All sides stated "This Side Up" and were pointing in different directions. It also apparently expired 12/24/11, so it was given a day late.

My sister was the recipient of this creation and were there surprises inside. Box after box was wrapped and most didn't contain anything. The best inside box was small that stated "This just has rocks in it". He was honest.

...And Again

2011-09-29T17:21:00.001-04:00

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3729569/

Can I put in a shameless plug? No? Well then here is a shameful one.

Oh, and I also did one over the past 2 months (on weekends, of course) that will hopefully posted soon. It all depends on editing and my awesome script supervisor skills.

= (or everything happens quickly)

2011-09-29T16:39:00.004-04:00

I'm having a moment; everything seems the same. I know, I should be grateful and have also taken advantage of my time in Cali and explored more but in truth I was a little afraid to go at it alone and also tired. The truth is I'm still tired after doing two jobs for 6 weeks. I'm behind on everything at work and feel like I have nothing to show for it. Few pictures, no adventures and a not-so-awesome paycheck. It might be worth leaving behind social contact if I had been getting paid for both postitions, but really it hasn't happened. All part of being a compliant employee.

I wish I had made more contact with friends and not missed important milestones. (I'm so sorry Alison for missing your birthday while I was gone. And also the ten year HS reunion. I'm fired, I know). I miss my friends, and my family. All the sudden it's October and I don't know what to do. Obligations aside, I've got a lot to do thins month. Family, college reunions and friends to catch up with, along with the saurkraut festival (which I NEVER miss) and forming an acaapella group will all take up precious weekend time. Hopefully everything will get done, along with some pictures. Wow, I miss taking pictures for myself.

Rush Is the Music of the Universe

2011-08-08T20:27:00.003-04:00

...or so says the Atari guy from the episode of Chuck called "Chuck vs. Tom Sawyer". Not sure if that's true or not but I feel like music in general makes the world turn. I've discovered a few awesome songs recently (also includes an artist who's cool enough to tweet with me!) and thought that I need to share with the world.

Runaway Dorothy : The Arc

Definitely music that would be a backdrop for the pensive moments of a rom-com, Runaway Dorothy is great chill music that doesn’t have the typical pop feel to it. The only problem I have with them is their songs tend to all have the same feel to them. If it’s on in the background, I still want to notice when I’ve moved on to a new song.

Favorite Song: Caulfield

Why?: It speaks to my life right now. Every day is the same.

Link: http://runawaydorothy.com/main.html

Marian Call : Vanilla

Love, love, LOVE this chick. Not only is she awesome and will answer tweets back, but she also throws in odd percussion instruments (typewriter anyone?) which takes me back to my own percussion days. Poetical lyrics add to her charm, and did I mention her debut album, Got To Fly has a number of Firefly references? I digress; I was talking about her second album. There’s a definite channeling of Joni Mitchell on this disc, so if you’re not into that sort of music, this may not be for you. Oh, and special mention goes to The Volvo Song as a favorite. It’s always fun to tell people to grow up and that’s exactly what she does.

Favorite Song: Vanilla

Why?: This song IS me. Period. Ever want to know more about me, listen to this song.

Link: http://mariancall.com/

April Smith & The Great Picture Show : Songs For A Sinking Ship

The best way to describe this album is to call it a carnival. Upright piano, brassy and bawdy lyrics, I feel like I should have a beer in hand and be swaying with the crowd. This one isn’t for the kiddies. Apparently the fun feel of the record makes me forget the occasional swearing because I just can’t stop listening to this disc. If you go to her website you can check out other albums as well, though I haven’t gotten the chance to buy those yet.

Favorite Song: Colors

Why?: It’s such a fun song that gets stuck in my head all the time, and I’m okay with that.

Link: http://www.aprilsmithmusic.com/

Abby Bielski's Day Off

2011-08-03T19:35:00.002-04:00

Yeah, it's a total play on Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Yes, it's probably a copyright infringement. Yes I'm running low on creative juices. It was a productive day.

First, I decided at 8am, 30 minutes before I had to be out the door that I was taking the day off. A good decision. Got a lot of tasks done, cooked dinner (yummy stuffed shells with sweet basil sauce and asparagus on the side) and wrote some. The book is 46 pages in and doing well. Still it's nerve wracking. What if the writing stinks? What if I don't finish? (worst. fear. ever)

Still, a day off is good for the soul. Tomorrow I plan on wearing a skirt and kicking some corporate butt. Figuratively speaking of course. I'll be running reports and making spreadsheets, and that will be pretty much it. At least I'll look good doing it.

It's Been Awhile

2011-07-29T18:47:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile. I know, I'm fired. Really my life has been so boring that I couldn't post without feeling bad for anyone who would read it. Still and update is needed.

I went to Haiti last month and there is much to be said on that subject. First, it was a hard trip, harder than the Dominica Republic (where I went 2 years ago on my first mission trip). The poverty was extreme and I went away with a heavy feeling. While there we worked with the teens in the village and one of the things that hurt me most was hearing the girls there pray for more food to eat. It made me feel guilty for every parcel that I've thrown away, every bite that I forced down due to being already full to capacity. The children that we saw at Vacation Bile School had swollen bellies from lack of food and I begrudged my three meals a day that I had down there.

We did some good while down there, at least that's what I believe. A baptism took place while at a fishing village, which was a great joy. The man had already declared his love for Christ but had not fully committed and it was a wonderful thing to watch as he plunged into the sea. We also were able to clear the grounds for the orphanage's school. I pray that we were able to reach more lives. In all honesty, I felt helpless down there immersed in so much desperation. The people there were so impoverished and believed so much in Voodoo that I was feeling much over my head. Spells and contracts, that's what the people set their heart upon, the Devil much apparent. If I could have spent a month with an army of missionaries I don't not feel that half of the people there would have been served. http://abbybielski.smugmug.com/Category/Haiti/17980562_GqVq4n

Dad has been doing better. His surgeries went well last year and I think he's fully recovered. No emergency hospital trips have happened. It's possible that he will live a long and full life now. I had been worried a long time that he would follow in his brother's footsteps and die young, but I think he will surprise us all yet. A great blessing, because he is one of those wonderful people that brings sunshine to the rain.

Last June I worked on a short film that is (finally) in rough cut and only needs to be ADR'ed (audio digital recorded). It's been submitted to one film festival and my hopes are high. The acting was great, script phenomenal and had the potential for wonderful things. Seeing that things are wrapping up there, I'm working on another film. The director/writer is again quite talented and I'm eager to begin shooting. For those that don't know the process, it's hours of tedious work, usually packed into a small amount of time, followed by many fond memories. I have a tendency to get a migraine towards the end because of the stress, but love it no less. This particular endeavor is how three diverse brothers deal with their mothers death. Emotional, poignant and a lesson to many. I can't wait to film.

So that's it. There may seem many stories there, however take in mind there are many months since the last entry. Once The Drexler Principle can be distributed, you bet your buttons I'll be posting it like crazy. The same goes for the new project. Until the next time!

It's a Boy!!

2011-01-03T16:21:00.004-05:00

Ivan Sven Bielski. 4 years old and does NOT like strawberries. Clearly he did not get that from his mother.

Dark and Twisty

2010-12-12T16:06:00.002-05:00

I'm going dark and twisty. I'm writing a book (we'll see how far this goes) and my Prologue has gotten thumbs up, so I'm definitely into this. The problem is that I am going dark and twisty. It makes me angry in my personal life and withdrawn (even more than I normally am). Still, if this turns out to be something good and I can actually get this thing in print, it will be worth it. Curious as to what it's about? I've got a Cincinnati detective and a serial killer that thinks what they leave is a work of art duking it out. Hopefully something original.

Prologue

Notes flow like an ebbing bathtub, spilling suds as the body displaces its mass. A soundtrack to the macabre and it took a moment for the room to place the tune I had selected to be my inspiration. For the fourth time in as many months a piece of work from Chopin had been left playing quietly at the scene of the crime, my killings choice being a quiet selection, “Grande Polonaise Brillanté I”. It took one of the beat cops pulling out his smart phone and using an app to figure it out. A freakin’ app. The papers were sure to point out how wonderful technology was and I was at least glad they could get the accent over the "é" since so many forget that. I wanted to laugh with derision that people didn't know one of Frédrick's more familiar pieces. What was the world coming to when people couldn’t recognize a masterpiece?

That was what I left them, of course, a masterpiece of the most complex form. A human body, spread out in all its’ glory, positioned as if a sculptor were about to begin carving out the complex curves of the body. Since my paintings and carvings don’t seem to catch peoples eye, I create in the medium of death. This time I chose a man, 29 and possessing the most beautiful of muscles. He could have been inspiration for Adonis he was so perfect. The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he would be my next subject. Of course, the splaying of his muscles completed the work. I carved into him with precision, right down the concaved center of his chest and peeled away the skin so that those muscles could be enjoyed on a level never before revealed.

I loved reading about the speculations in of motive and how I had managed to create these tableaux. All of Cincinnati seemed wrapped up in my art and reveled in the feeling of anonymous fame. I felt untouchable, which isn't a good place for one on the opposite side of the law to be, but I'm also quite careful. Unlike most “serial killers” I wasn’t crying out to be stopped. I had work to do.

Your a Grand Old Flag

2010-11-14T20:13:00.000-05:00

Taken at the Pumpkin Festival this year in Harrison, OH.

Half a Day Helps

2010-11-14T13:42:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was PWC (People Working Cooperatively) Prepare Affair 2010 and it could not have been a better day. It was warm, but not too warm and it hadn't rained in a long time, so the leaves didn't stick and there was no mud. I can't think of how many times I've drugged through the mud really questioning my little morning of community service, hence the dry spell working in our favor.

The whole point is to help keep people in their homes as opposed to forcing them into nursing homes. PWC goes in and will do house repairs, build ramps and even PM heating and cooling to help these people be more comfortable and feel confident.

Here are a few pictures:

http://abbybielski.smugmug.com/Events/PWC-Prepare-Affair-10/14641034_VjG4W

and a preview:

"No, this must be what it's like to go crazy"

2010-10-15T20:24:00.000-04:00

I'm looking at a service description and it says trouble shoot lights. I feel like someone was out, causing a ruckus (aka trouble) and shot out the lights. I know it means they went and fixed them, but the wording just leads my mind to hoodlums with too much time and a beebee gun. Messed up.

One of the cities we work in is Oshkosh, WI. Every time I read that, I want to yell out "Oshkosh, by Gosh!" and then calmly go back to work.

I'm snappier with retorts when I'm tired. I got told my mind was wandering and replied because I'm too intelligent for my job; it doesn't have the capacity to hold my attention.

Throwing out movie quotes to see if people notice is a past-time of mine. Of course, people usually guess when I start quoting the random aliens from Star Wars. Man I've seen those movies too many times.

Weird songs get stuck in my head. Commercial jingles, mostly but on occasion you get the children's song. Right now it's "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts". It wouldn't be so weird except I don't have kids, so why are these songs in my conscience?

I have a cold that's not exiting quick enough so my sister prescribed a shot of jack, a hot toddy (a mug full of hot whiskey with honey) and niquil. Pretty sure she's trying to get a frat party going. I told her if that was the case I expected cards and laughter, but no nudity. I'm a bit of a prude.

Open Forum

2010-10-13T18:25:00.001-04:00

I know these have been done a ton of times, but I just can't help myself.

To the people at Starbucks in my neighborhood:

Thank you for not making fun of me (to my face) over ordering a sausage McMuffin instead of a sausage English muffin. I was ready for a face plant in the drivethru.

To the kid in the high speed lane this evening:

Driving and texting apparently causes you to drive slower than anyone should drive on the highway, let alone the high speed lane. DROP YOUR PHONE AND DRIVE!!!!

To my coworker:

Hope you’re not mad at me tomorrow when you discover that I drew all over your whiteboard that you love so much. Remember, all work and no play makes Craig go crazy over his whiteboard (and all your coworkers know it).

To the weather:

I’m super psyched that you decided to grace us with rain, but why couldn’t you have done it a little earlier? I got new wipers on my car and haven’t gotten to try them out yet.

To Nichole at Midas:

Please hire me for your wedding. It’s October and I don’t have any weddings booked yet. Promise people like my work!

Mini-Posts (again)

2010-09-07T21:10:00.000-04:00

Today I feel old. I know I’m going to get a lot of crap for writing that, but it’s true. I’ve got carpal tonal in my right wrist, something that I didn’t think that I could get for a long time, something I associate with middle age at the earliest. Oh, and did I mention that since I do financial analysis that I mostly use my right hand for work? Yeah, not something I’m too happy about.

The new Bridgestone commercial is my new favorite. Many reasons, really but it boils down to this: 1) They us the House of Pain song “Jump” which never fails to bring a smile to my face, 2) The characters are driving around kind of like how I would want to, and 3) THEY’RE FREAKING ASTRONAUGHTS!!!

Summer is a photographer’s busy time. Weddings galore and beautiful weather lead to a lot of time editing. I take pretty good pictures (yup I’m totally tooting my own horn) but I’m also a bit of a perfectionist. Lots of little changes, sometimes down to the pixel. I like criticing my own work, making sure my composition is balanced, lighting is good and that I captured a good moment. My favorites are shots that people don’t know I took because they are the most honest. My best friend was holding her newborn boy, barely an hour old, and I was able to get a moment of raw emotion; she had the most adoring look on her face and that’s something that is going to last. It makes me smile to think of how that picture foretold what a great mom she has been.

I performed my first wedding this summer. Got ordained online and managed to not compromise my own beliefs at the same time. Always a good thing. The couple was happy and people thought things went well, so I’m guessing it could be called a success. Still, it was an odd experience. How often do you marry a couple? That now puts me up to photographer, maid of honor, wedding planner and minister. J. Lo best be lookin’ out!

Simple pleasures are what can brighten my day. Having a yummy cup of chai tea, singing loudly in my car, playing a prank, or wearing a fun outfit. My favorite outfit comes with a saying, on that people will be familiar with if they are a “Bones” fan. It’s my bo-ho rocker artist, mid-week, take-a-deep-breath-and-pout look. I own it. And if I could find someone who could work my camera, I’d post a picture of it.

There’s something in the water. Everyone at work is a bit giddy, a bit more agitated, more vocal. It’s as if emotions are only at extremes and I find myself falling into the pit of insanity that’s being presented. Crazy loves company. One of the gentlemen here told me how he used to keep a sample brick from the masonry department on his desk and have conversations with it instead of the mechanics. He said sometimes it’s easier to talk to a brick wall than a person.

I used to be afraid of spiders. Almost paralyzed by them, but was able to conquer my fears. There is a time, however where size does matter. There was a goliath sized spider in the family room that had to be destroyed. I tried dropping heavy objects on it, but between the carpet weave and the wall corners, the darn thing wouldn’t die. I moved on to my ultimate backup plan at this point, the vacuum cleaner. It scurried at frightening speeds and caused me to jump up onto furniture a few times, but finally succumbed to the power of Kirby. I then let the thing run for awhile because I had a fear that the spider would come crawling out if not fully tossed around and seek vengeance upon me. Crazy eight legged freaks.

(none)

2010-08-30T22:39:00.004-04:00

Ever wait around for genius to strike? It's a long wait. Sometimes you get a bit bitter. No wonder Van Gogh cut his own ear off; there was nothing else interesting going on.

Updates, Or Something Like It

2010-08-10T21:54:00.003-04:00

There was gripping. There were some dirty looks. And then something about not caring about a post being completely narcissistic, but darn it, there needed to be something new. Fine.

I’ve had a few photo shoots that have kept me busy these past few months. I take pretty good pictures (totally tooting my own horn there!) but I’m also a bit obsessive about getting them perfect. Once I get into photo editing, I’m wrapped up in getting every pixel correct. It’s where the analytical side primly comes up to the creative side, tells creative it’s being completely illogical, then locks it in a room until it’s done something solidly productive, like memorized pie.Analytical is a bit of a stick in the mud.

I’ve also been doing movie stuff. The sad thing is that since what I’ve worked on is in post, I have no way of speeding things along. In other words, I have nothing I can show you all. Times like this, being producer stinks. Not that I can say too much to our editor since he is doing this for free and usually is working on pro stuff, no big deal. I did finally get the red dye off of my cuticle from bloodying up an actress for the promo videos. That’s a plus. My director / writer moved to L.A. (good for him!!). That’s a minus. I’ve had the wonderful privilege of working with great talent here in Cincinnati, but the bad part is that when they go away, I’ve got to start all over again searching for those who “get it”. Yes, I sound like a snob, but when you’ve worked with the amazing pros that I’ve worked with, armatures leave a sour taste in your mouth.

Oh, there’s also been family drama. Blah, blah, blah. Drama makes me want to tell bad jokes until everyone is laugh to get me to shut up. If I wanted drama, I’d put one in my queue on Netflix. Incase you are wondering, it’s full of comedy and biblical documentaries. Envy my coolness. Sure, there are a few dramas on there, but really it’s to keep up on my movie knowledge. You know, incase I actually get to do another movie…ever.

I’ve been struggling a bit with my position in this world. And by a bit, I mean a lot. I want to make a difference, want to influence others and be a tool of good in the world. I don’t feel useful right now, and I don’t quite know what to do about it. I got a bit burned out on children’s ministry, having served every Sunday for over two years, either leading two services of children’s worship, or at one time, helping out with the music in the teen session. I didn’t feel fed, but now I don’t feel a purpose. Where is the happy medium?? How can I reach others without being fried? I don’t want to be an after school special. I also don’t want to be unworthy. Have I mentioned how flawed I am?

Oh, and I’ve also given up on looking for McDreamy. I know it was a short endeavor but I also know that I seek a man who doesn’t exist, who also loves someone that I am not. Confused? It basically means that I’m succumbing to being a spinster. Got to love how the world works.

For giggles, here's a picture of a hummingbird I took a few days ago. No editing. (Are you excited by my restraint?)

Indelible Moments

2010-06-08T21:58:00.002-04:00

Indelible moments, I do believe they were called if I remember my high school English terms correctly; memories that were impressionable on our psyche. That which changed us for the good or bad, or perhaps that which we remember with fondness and cling to in order to justify our actions today. My sister gave me a journal she is keeping of such moments and I’ve had it some 4 months without placing pen to paper. It’s time. The problem is pinpointing a moment that was poignant and happy. It’s not that I had a lot of sad moments in my childhood; on the contrary, most were good. It’s picking something that was important. I have a habit of remembering things that weren’t imperative to everyone else, but to me. How to write of such? How can I make others understand my memories and have them preserved truly? So the notebook sits open, collecting dust on the top of my desk.
Can a picture capture words I lack?? Here’s one:

I'm in the middle, in the red. My sister and brother surround me and that' s how I remember things; always with my siblings and never alone.

Just a Little Unwell

2010-05-11T20:26:00.002-04:00

I've had a pretty hard few days. Not one thing in particular, which makes it difficult for me to justify calling them bad days. Today I called my dear cousin, cried a bit in the car, prayed, and survived. Prayer is a good thing my friends.

Update On My Single Status

2010-05-06T21:59:00.001-04:00

So I’m trying the whole online dating thing. Remember? http://abbybielski.blogspot.com/2009/12/off-my-gourd.html Anyway, so I’m actually doing it. Or should I say attempting it? You see, I haven’t actually gone out on a date. (So much for finally breaking the record) There’s a lot of crap to weed through. I’m on two sites currently; the more common Match.com and eHarmony.com. Both are pretty popular, however eHarmony leans a bit more towards actual interests while Match is more pick and chose. The problem with the pick and chose is that people are really judging you on your picture and also that most of them are looking for a hookup and not an actual relationship. I don’t mean to bash the site (I am a member after all), but just to throw out my observation. There are the “matches of the day”, but it doesn’t really go as in depth as eHarmony. This is not a commercial for eHarmony. I’ve had one guy going past the viewing of my profile and none responding to my questions (the step after viewing the profile if you are still interested). I like that a hookup probably won’t happen through eHarmony, however it does make me feel like I’m going to die alone (as if having to fine someone online doesn’t make me feel loser-ish enough). At least on Match the guys are winking at me!!!
Here’s the biggest problem; I get feelings (meaning the romantic type) after meeting and actually talking with the guy. It’s not through a picture or a description they typed up. There have been a few guys that definitely didn’t count as being good looking that I’ve fallen for, simply because they had the same sense of humor or made me feel happy. It’s hard to get that online. The other problem is that when it comes to dating, I’m shy. If you know me in real life and not just in written word, you may think this is weird. I’m not afraid to make a fool out of myself, or draw attention, but when it comes to the opposite sex, I get nervous and clam up. I don’t ask guys on dates. I don’t tell them how I feel. All of my relationships have been advanced and driven by the guy and not myself. It’s not that I didn’t agree with them; on the contrary, I would slam the breaks on if things were outside where I was comfortable being. I let him accelerate. When it comes to dating, I’m extremely old fashioned. He should speak up; he should ask me out. In accordance with this, I’ve always been gentle with men who are interested when I’m not. It takes a lot of guts to ask someone out and I respect that (unless I sense you think I’m of loose morals or are a dirty old man, in which case I may not be so gentle). The worst part of this are the ones that got away. About 6 years ago there was a guy at my work whom I was interested in and who was interested in me. He had good looks, a good sense of humor about him; so what happened? We both said we should get together some time, but sometime never happened; neither one of us wanted to commit to an official date. This is one of many examples of where I possibly blew my chance at a relationship.
The greatest question is where to find love? I want someone who will be my best friend, who will be my partner in live; who knows that times will be rough but that I’m in it for the long haul. My parents met in middle school. They were 13 when the started “dating” and almost 40 years after they started their relationship together, they are still committed. I envy that and use it as my standard. My plans of long ago, the plans of marrying young having children and being involved in my chosen career at this point, are all thrown out the window. For those guys reading, did you know the prime time for a woman to have a child is between 24 and 26? I’m past my prime. Not only that, I’m past where I wanted my life to be and most days I feel like a total failure. Don’t pity me. Don’t think that’s where I’m going with this. I’m merely documenting a journey that I wasn’t really willing to take. After “the one” (you all have them, the person who breaks your heart, who changes you either for better or worse), I prayed for a long time to not get into a relationship unless it was right, unless it was the one I would be in until death do us part. I don’t regret that prayer to God, but I do wish it would be sooner rather than later.

Acoustic #3

2010-04-30T00:24:00.001-04:00

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming
No one’s listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
‘Cause she’s got nowhere to go

And she wanders where these dreams go
‘Cause the world got in her way
What’s the point in ever trying
Nothing’s changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you’re falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
‘Cause the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screamin’
You’re not listening anyway

-Goo Goo Dolls

MatchHarmony

2010-04-30T00:02:00.000-04:00

Dating online is an experience. I honestly can’t think of another adjective to describe it. There’s the anticipation as you fill out your profile, wondering if it’s interesting enough, as well as truthful. Then the waiting on responses. There’s always the chance the guys not actually being honest in his post, (code for he wants a quick hookup as opposed to a long and lasting relationship including a house with picked fence and grandchildren running around foot) or just isn’t interested in you despite the super scientific match up. I mean, who can argue with agreeing on 12 different issues?!? Clearly it’s a match made in heaven. Orrrrrrrr not.

Don’t go into online dating hoping that Prince Charming is looking for you; the disappointment might be too much. Think of it as nothing more than a way to pass the time. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for…

Music

2010-02-22T20:53:00.003-05:00

Songs complete me. They don't even have to have lyrics; just the swell of magnificently placed notes are enough to speak to me. Music brings me joy, comforts my broken heart, and whispers sweet promises of times when things will be better. Occasionally a song will have the right lyrics, the ones that I wish I had the talent, the bravery to express on my own.

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

I barely have the power to change my own life, so changing others is out of the question. I want to make a difference, to not be this motionless soul in a broken world, but instead I sleep. I have no answers to problems, no solutions to the issues. I close the blinds, turn my back and walk away because to jump in would mean losing more of myself. It's so frustrating. It's so weak. It's so me.
Thank you Ingrid. Sometimes all I can do is keep breathing.

Let Loose

2010-02-11T22:05:00.001-05:00

After a lot of anticipation, I heard the song I had helped my friend out on. It’s definitely not my type of music and I’m still not sure what to think of it. Really, listening to it over and over made me sad. To combat that, I’ve been listening to some oldies. Seriously, oldies. Bebop from the 50’s and I’m ready to go to a sock hop right now. It makes me laugh that I’ve even got this music on my iPod, because I’m already stressing for room. I think this playlist replaced Christmas stuff and my justification was that I needed more diversity. Anyway, I’m sitting at my desk and trying desperately to not sing out loud – goodness gracious, great balls of fire – and I’m trying to talk them into letting me have one of the offices that’s sitting empty so that I can sing and not disturb anyone. Let’s face it, I’m probably really good at disturbing people. After all, I did this to my boss' office while he was gone...

I'm Hooked On A Feeling

2010-02-05T21:30:00.002-05:00

I love snow.
It gives me a sense of peace and quiet.
Have you ever gone out late at night and listened to the snow. No, I'm not crazy; it has a sound. A quiet sound, one of peace. I look at the crazy world around me, and through the erected metals and concrete, I see God and His beauty. What a wonderful world he's created. Many times I've tried to capture the moment in a photograph or in words, but it's just not the same. It's a feeling that swells in the body that makes you feel small, yet not at all alone. What a marvelous feeling.

Dark Rocker Chick

2010-01-24T18:43:00.002-05:00

Cut him down to half his size
The man's going to pay for all his lies
Revelation of his deeds, that's my goal
Purging all this pain laying deep in my soul
Snip the strings, stop this Gipetto man
Pull myself together, be me if I can
Gotta rise above my greatest fall
Disprove my doubters, shock them all

I'm helping out a friend with his music and putting lyrics to some stuff he's composed. Last Sunday was our first session and it was odd to be writing again. It's been a long time, and even longer since I've recorded. The style isn't quite what I'm used to, being a combination of experimental, industrial, grunge and metal. That lent itself to dark lyrics and a darker feel to my voice. Driving home, I listened to Dean Martin to cheer myself up. Still, I can't wait to hear it once everything is mixed. If I can get his permission, I'll post it here.

Photo Master

2010-01-20T20:49:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I actually take a picture that's worth something.

Beginning

2010-01-07T21:06:00.003-05:00

It's a start, right?

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3729569/

Everyone has to begin somewhere. I'm pretty proud of my involvement in this piece, and think it's really cool that Adam went to imdb to get us pages. I can't wait to start adding on to this page.

That means if you are doing any films or the likes, I'm more than willing to be involved.

Thoughts Muddled

2010-01-07T17:22:00.002-05:00

I drink juice boxes. It’s an easy thing to keep in my desk drawer at work, and I can usually find a random sale at either Walmart or Target. The drawback is that I have this odd fear that when I put the straw in, it won’t puncture right and I will get sprayed with juice instead of getting to drink the desired liquid.

I have a problem paying $4.50 for a cup of coffee. Of course, I could probably not get something so complicated when I go to Starbucks, but what’s the point in going if you don’t get a non-fat triple vinti caramel latté? I get around this by using gift cards. The problem is that sometimes I’m out, and I know I will need a fix, so I buy my own gift card. I’m still paying for it, but in my mind it’s a gift.

I’m a music junkie. I buy music like it’s going out of style. Only recently have I actually bought online (meaning without having the physical disk in my hand) and this still kind of freaks me out. What if I lose it? The music will be gone forever, and I just don’t want that to happen!! I know that buying the file is more environmentally friendly since there is no shipping or disk that later will be thrown out (though I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I still have tapes), but I like knowing I can pop just the CD into my stereo and be fine. I’m so old school.

Lately, I’ve taken the habit of having the Microsoft Office Assistant open whenever I’m working. It’s not that I need a lot of help (or any), but that he’s a little companion. I have the option on for it being a cat, and though I haven’t gone as far as naming him, it’s probably only a matter of time. I miss my real cat.

I Shot The Sheriff

2009-12-28T20:03:00.006-05:00

My family is a bit...different. Trust me, it's in a good way but we can also gain a few raised eyebrows. Seeing as we are all a bit children at heart, I decided to get my brother and brother-in-law nerf guns to shoot each other with. The guns were also useful for shooting unarmed people, walls, the cat, the tv, ornaments, and Smurfs. No, I wasn't drinking too much egg nog; we were using one inch plastic Smurfs as targets. We proped them up on a lego container and shot them down from the handle into the bucket. My cousin really enjoyed picking which figure was the next to be taken out, and due to my sisters childhood love of the eighties staple characters, we had a lot of them to choose from.

The fun part was when Josh got out two pair of safety glasses, one pair being for outdoor use and therefore dark glasses, and they decided to see if they could get the darts to stick to the plastic without the receiving end blinking. It was a great game, let me tell you. The best part was when my 4 year old cousin got a nerf shot gun. This thing actually loaded the darts with cartridges, then spit them out when you cocked the gun. Awesome. Kid will have his NRA membership by 10. Anyway, lots of fun was had, and we were all a bit silly. Here's some proof:

The boys on some down time. Notice the eyewear and fingers on the trigger.

In training for the NRA.

I got caught in the act of some serious gun play.

Appeasement

2009-12-19T16:39:00.003-05:00

Appeasement. That's why I changed my profile picture. Trina thought I looked evil in the other picture, so I put in a less evil looking one. The biggest problem? Since I'm usually behind the camera, there aren't a whole lot of pictures I have to choose from, so the big glasses one got put in.

The Series That Changed My Life

2009-12-16T19:41:00.001-05:00

Star Wars. Pretty much the series that has encompassed my life. When I was nine years old my sister got the trilogy as a gift for helping out a kindergarten glass and we spend the entire summer watching the epic films. Seriously, every day we watched all three movies. I had watched the movies so many times that I knew all the lines, including the ones in alien languages. Later, I dropped The Babysitters Club books (so juvenile to a mature 10 year old) and began reading the books that continued the journey of my beloved characters.

It’s years later. I have grown into a sensible adult. My novels are collecting dust and I am on to reading nonfiction in order to heighten my existence. Of course that means that I was absolutely dying to see Star Wars In Concert. You can take the girl out of the galaxy far, far away, but you can’t take the galaxy far, far away out of the girl. My dearest friend is quite aware of this and got me a ticket for my birthday. Best. Gift. Ever. Let me give you a run down. W got there and of course the stage looked amazing. We were only a few rows up and off to the stage left side. Sound effects played before the concert started that included lightsabers humming, wookies roaring and ships zooming by. Once things got on the roll, the show consisted of all the songs from the 6 movies and clips from all. Anthony Daniels, also known as the man inside C3PO and the voice of the android was the host who took us through the journey. It was a bit of a high for a SW lover like me to see the beloved character so close up (I know, I’m a total geek). Since the performance took place in an all-purpose arena, I had doubts of the sound quality. Did I also mention I’m a music snob? Not just on the usual stuff played on the radio, but also when it comes to symphonies and orchestral arrangements. I learned off of sheet music, played to balance my dynamics (volume) to the rest of my fellow musicians. I know the effect a perfectly timed swell of a phrase can have on an appreciative audience. Well, the music was of top quality. Thanks to top notch mixing, the acoustics weren’t an issue and from any place in the arena it was possible to appreciate the wonderful composing skills of John Williams and the performance of the London Royal Symphony.

I could probably go on forever about it, so I’m just going to sum things up by saying I won’t forget my experience. May the Force be with you, always.
(Did I really just write that?)

Off My Gourd

2009-12-08T20:42:00.002-05:00

Apparently I’ve gotten more anti-social than previously realized. I’m all about online shopping because I don’t have to deal with the crowds and now I’m looking online for auditions. The final step is online dating. Am I off my gourd?? There are crazies out there, and I just might be one of them!
(Speaking of crazies, my sister thinks that my profile picture makes me look like a serial killer or something. Thoughts?)
Maybe I should join Second Life, create myself identically (props out to The Office for teaching me all I know about that website) and see if any other make believe characters are interested in me. Then, once my pretend character has a level of success, I’ll try in the real world. Baby steps.

The Glad Game

2009-12-06T20:10:00.002-05:00

Pollyanna kind of got on my nerves. Yes, I appreciated her ability to turn the bad into something good, but I also find it hard to believe someone could be so happy in the midst of such life difficulties. I don’t usually succeed and mostly retort to sarcasm or finding a way to deflect the situation. So I pretty much fail at that. My newest attempt at seeing the shiny happy part of life is saying that I’m saving some money this year because I don’t have to buy my grandparents Christmas gifts. Yeah, that is pretty much a fail statement there. It’s not being the better person and honestly it’s pretty depressing. I’m disappointed in them, but more disappointed in myself. I know what’s wrong and I know that poisonous words will flow and yet every attach, I suffer from amnesia (or stupidity) and I let myself react in the worst way.
I have a headache now and am going to try and figure out how to be a better person.

Big Bang

2009-11-29T22:20:00.003-05:00

I like watching Big Bang Theory because it makes me feel smarter. That, and I'm pretty sure I will end up either like Sheldon (in the quirky sense; not saying I'm nearly that intelligent) or married to him. I consider watching research for my future.

Not as Romantic as you would think...

2009-11-29T04:04:00.004-05:00

If you have questioned the relationship of Bella and Edward, you need to read this post:
http://kar3ning.livejournal.com/545639.html

Hospital Ramblings

2009-11-29T03:11:00.005-05:00

I found myself staring at the tv in wonder a few minutes ago. There was a commercial on for a carpet scrubber. It's amazing what will catch your attention when you're tired. I'm trying to find things to occupy my time / mind and am getting very bored. The light from my computer is starting to make my eyes hurt, so I'm going to have to give this up soon. Thank goodness for netflix instant play. I've been indulging in documentaries (don't hate. They make me a smarter person) and am about to go for another one soon. The nurse will be in for another breathing treatment in another 45 minutes, so sleep isn't really going to happen. What did people do before laptops? I'm very grateful for mine, and also the WiFi I'm using, but it makes me wonder if my tolerance for sitting still has diminished. What about my creativity? Is that all going down the metaphoric drain? I know my attention span isn't what it should be (try holding a conversation with me while anything else is going on) and this makes me sad. I should be able to have patience, entertain myself and be attentive. In high school we did an experiment where for a week, everyone in the class went without tv, computers and any other electronic entertainment devices, then journaled the experience. Sadly I can't remember the book the experience was pertaining to, but perhaps I need the lesson again.

Home

2009-05-19T10:20:00.002-04:00

It's been too long. Really, I haven't had anything to say. No fun links, no funny life episodes. The only reason I'm writing right now is because I'm feeling so disconnected. I'm sitting at yet another foreign desk, only this time I don't have access to work email or our operations system. I've got spreadsheets to do, but the lighting is atrocious and I can barely read my printed reports. Frustrations abound. I'm sick of eating out. I'm sick of not having all the materials I need for work. I'm sick of the hotel room. The only plus is the bed is a king size, so I'm taking full advantage and spreading out as much as possible.
I think the worst part is that I finished my two books already and still have 3 nights to fill. The books are part of a series, so I'm chomping at the bit to get to the next book. I guess I could start them over, but how boring would that be?
So sorry for the complaints. This is just my existence right now. My holiday weekend is getting cut short because of having to travel, so I'm in a bad mood.

Change Has Come

2009-05-03T22:02:00.002-04:00

Let me paint a picture: I'm sitting in my home for the next month, have ironed all of my clothes for the week and am excited to find M*A*S*H is on for at least two episodes. It may sound a bit strange, but since I'm in a hotel, it's pretty normal. I'm working in Detroit for the next month and though it has drawbacks, I'm trying to see it as an adventure. Don't tell, but I'm actually getting up in the morning to check out the exercises room. I don't want the word to get out that I've caved and am actually getting all healthy.
The drive up was long, but I had things to keep my mind occupied. First, Ohio is entirely too flat and lacking in plant variation going straight up I-75. Second, in Finlay, the people are apparently lacking in strong conviction. I went under a bridge that conjugated "like" in spray paint and in French. Really, if you're going to graffiti such a public place, wouldn't you want to use something with more passion? Perhaps use "love"? Third, mapquest isn't always right, and I had to hunt for the street that had the hotel on it because the site forgot to tell me to take a left on the street before, and not a right. Finally, even though I'm from Ohio and therefore required by birth to not like Michigan, I had to appreciate the fact that people thus far have proven themselves able to drive.
Too much caffeine on the drive up has kept me from feeling the least bit tired and I have a feeling this is going to be a long night...

Death of a Character (Mine?)

2009-04-15T18:49:00.000-04:00

I’m easily distracted. Probably not the wisest thing for me to have a background that changes every 15 minutes on my screen, as each time it surprises me and of course I have to close everything out so I can see the whole picture instead of just a corner of it (you know, like I haven’t seen all the pictures about a hundred times already). I get into a groove at work, plowing away at a project, then the screen changes and I’m all out of whack. I should change it so the background is something stable, but then I have to choose, and the choosing in the past has taken considerable time. Inevitably I end up with one of five favorites and feel like I’m slighting all the others. The rotation is my justification to the other shots. Yes, I care about the feelings of my inanimate photo files. Probably a form of psychosis but I can live with it.

A shirt tag is currently stealing my attention. The stupid thing is stiff and itchy and I know if I were to try and cut it out now, it would leave a stub that would torture and distract me further. To my knowledge, I’ve not had problems with this tag before, but maybe I have and just keep ignoring the problem for fear of furthering the irritant.

I just reread this and realized it was quite possibly the most boring blog ever. I’m guessing everyone doesn’t want to know when I’m having a weird freak-out moment. Perhaps something pertinent will help this post…

I’m giving up on my book as it is currently laid out. Revelation struck me and where I was taking my character isn’t where I want her to go, so I’m going to have to retool everything to make it a work I will be interested in again. It started out a compilation of my life and others that had a driving narrative leading to a grand revelation and the problem is that I don’t see the revelation anymore. My revelation came, and it wasn’t grand. I don’t want to dramatize the ending when that’s not what really happened; it seems like cheap writing. Anyway, I’ve not given up on writing a book, just this particular story. Emma goes into character limbo, more than likely never to be resurrected.

Pok - Her, Not Me

2009-04-13T21:19:00.001-04:00

Poker night has started up. Well, I should say it’s started up for me as it’s been happening for years. The Cousins get together at my great Aunt Barb’s house, have dinner, and play some intense Texas Hold ‘Em. It’s intense not because of the stakes but because of the razzing that goes along with the playing. Silent killers Judy and Brandy raked the chips in one at a time and ended staying in to the end with Lori and Ryan. I have decided, however, that Lori has been secretly sneaking off and playing to boost her game. I had to buy back in when I went all in on pocket aces.

Really it was about the teasing and companionship. Shane discussed his new job (which I will never get a job as a rescue worker just because I’m pretty sure they are all glutton for punishment when they AREN’T out saving lives) and something about coworker’s tazing each other and videos made. We talked about Lowell’s post-church rituals and Kelly’s frustration at work not respecting her time. I might have been Russian for a few minutes. Crazier things could happen and I’m definitely looking forward to Friday’s game.

This past week I was in the lead but was tired, so I gave my chips to Aunt B. It's Monday and I still don't know if I won the game or not. When people ask how if I won, it's fun to see their face when I tell them I don't know. Really it's not a response one would expect. I guess I'll have to remember to call Aunt B tomorrow to see if we were big spenders or big losers. In all honesty, I don't do it for the win, but for the time I get to reconnect with long lost family.

Mini Posts

2009-04-02T08:44:00.002-04:00

So I’m a loser and haven’t posted in forever. I know, I’m horrible. Friends have probably stopped reading my blog. It really hit home when a friend from HS commented that it was time. Instead of rambling on an on forever, I’ve broken up this post into mini posts. If you don’t like the sound of one topic, skip to the next one. I promise they’re pretty short each. So I dedicate this post to Sarah Beeker (Oh Wells) and Danger Man (I still have one of his legs in a box).

Flat Broke

My flat iron literally broke. Snapped off on one side, it’s completely useless unless I plan on using it as some sort of weird torture device, but really I’m not into that. (Yeah, I’ve been watching too much “Burn Notice”)

Temptation

I have good hearing. Pretty sure I’ve mentioned that before but it’s important in this instance. I was sitting at work, putting together a graph for a presentation and heard two coworkers gossiping. I really wanted to know whom they were talking about, but I realized that it was none of my business and would only fuel the fire sometime down the line. Days like this, I’m really grateful for the invention of headphones and the iPod.

Smash, Into Me

Occasionally my creative and analytical sides get to meet for one purpose. This actually happens when I’m at work and putting together a presentation. All of my data is presented in a concise and comprehensive manner, yet I get to play around with colors and backgrounds. I’m starting to get a bit of a reputation for this apparently, because a random ops manager shot me an email, asking to spice up his very boring graph. Since it was about savings on snow removal, I used a stock picture of snow falling and made the bars different blue colors (keeping with the whole icy theme). It may not be much, but I get a kick out of it.

Side Note: I was sitting at my desk and overheard people talking about a cool graph. Pretty much ranting and raving over. No big deal, it was the one I was talking about above. I kind of rock.

Anarchy

I used to be OCD about having whatever application I was using on my computer maximized to fit the screen. I felt like having multiple screens tiled and in view was messy and therefore not conducive to an effective workspace. Due to all the projects I work on needing information from several locations at once, I now have to tile things and almost never have anything blow up to fit the screen. Total 180.

Luck Be A Lady

I’m not much into gambling. I really have the worst luck when it comes to games of chance or anything that is recreational. I’m bad at cards, I lose all the time at carnival games and I apparently cannot be a winner at the game of life. No big deal. I have, however begun playing poker on Friday nights with my cousins. I figure a $5 by in is worth spending an evening joking around or having deep discussions on the sanity of our existence. Just don’t take me to Vegas.

Diirty

I stress about laundry. I stress about having too much to clean, about not having a full load, about when I’m going to do the actual deed. I refuse to have someone else do my laundry because I’ve had clothes shrunk too many times. Being a tall woman, finding clothes that fit is a difficult enough task; I don’t need them to get any smaller. Things are especially hard since I’m not living on my own and therefore can’t use the washer and dryer at any time I please. The dryer at my parents unfortunately has a buzzer that sounds when getting close to being done and when the cycle is actually over. I’ve looked numerous times to find a way to switch this off to no avail. This means no late night loads since the laundry room is right next to my brother’s bedroom. Do you see why I’m stressed??

Singing In The Rain

I was walking into my building this morning and a kid was riding by on his bike, assumingly on his way to school. Then comes the amusing part, the part that made me stop and cock my head to the side, questioning the reality of the moment. He was singing quite loudly as he was peddling past. I don’t know what the song was, but clearly he was entertaining himself. His abandonment of criticism was admirable and made me want to do the same sometime soon. Of course, if an adult were to go around singing at the top of their voice while riding a bike, people would probably think they were quite off their rocker, so I’m not sure I’ll have the guts to do it.

Into The Wild

I really need to get to the zoo. First, I had an odd dream the other night where penguins were taking a class (in a conference room set up with just chairs facing the front where a tank of water was) and the visitors were invited to participate. I went and sat between an adult and a baby penguin, afraid for a moment the adult wouldn’t be friendly. The class was about being a normal penguin, with lessons on how to flap their wings and how to dive correctly into the water. The humans also were to get into the water and all I could think about when I was in the tank was that the penguins probably didn’t abide by pool rules and probably peed in the water. Strange dream, I know. It did remind me that I hadn’t been in a few years despite living in a city that has an amazing zoo and that I wasn’t taking advantage of that at all. I need some stock shots for my website that will someday (hopefully) be set up. Plus I just love watching the tigers.

Detroit City Rock

I might be going to Detroit for work for a month. It’s not set in stone, and there’s a possibility that things can be settled in another manner, but thus far it does not seem like a plausible scenario. A month of living in a hotel room, eating out every meal and being totally alone in a strange (and from my previous experience, pretty gross) town usually isn’t something to anticipate, but I’m in that mode currently. I would have time to write more, have a bit of time to reflect, and might even (gasp!) exercise. This might be exactly what I need right now.

Special Day

I had my special day with my little cousin last week and it was great. He is so cute and so funny, so spending the day with him was a treat. He’s 5 years old, so our special day consisted of going to Chuck-E-Cheese and then hitting the dollar store. As I pulled up into the driveway, he came hurrying out with a plant for me. Crazy kid had wanted to say thank you for the special day early and got me something to always remember it. Given my bad luck with plants lately, I’ve giving the care over to my green thumbed parents. It was so funny to watch him go back and forth to the different games. He had no rhyme or reason to his choosing pattern and was determined to hold his cup of tokens, though he had to put them down at each game, and if I wasn’t quick enough to grab them up, the ended up getting knocked over. It was a good day.

Dem Bones, Dem Bones

If you’re in any way interested in mysteries or crime shows, watch “Bones”. It’s a crazy show that for the most part can be kind of gross (definitely don’t try to eat while watching) but still manages to suck you into the plot. Hottie-Bo-Bottie (thank you Alison for that blast from the past phrase) Agent Seeley Booth has enough charm about him to win you over despite being the gun-toting end of the odd pair. Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan is insanely smart but clearly socially inept, on top of her lack of pop culture knowledge. The laughs (yes, there is humor to such a dark topic) usually come to her mixing up idioms and not knowing common movie references. The intelligence level of the show is up there, making me want to learn in depth anthropology and forensics. I’m in doubt that I could find a job around here that would allow such a study to be worth my time, so I’ll have to search out other career paths.

On - The - Go

2009-03-15T22:21:00.001-04:00

I have a thing for making playlists. I make them all the time, as my iPod Nano can’t fit all of the music I own, so playlists are a bit of a must, and they are in continuous rotation. Naming the list gets to be pretty fun and creativity is a must. I’ve pulled together some of my favorite worship songs and called them “Redemption”. Here’s what is on this particular list:
The Wonderful Cross – The Waiting
History Maker – Plumb
God Of Wonder – Ron Luce
Never Alone – Barlow Girl
You’re Worthy Of My Praise – Bid Daddy Weave
Holy Is The Lord – Chris Tomlin
Your Grace Is Enough – Chris Tomlin
Dead Man – Jars Of Clay I Need Thee Every Hour – Jars Of Clay
I’ll Fly Away – Jars Of Clay
Nothing But The Blood – Jars Of Clay
It Is Well With My Soul – Jars Of Clay
You Read Me – Jenn Webber
Blessed Be Your Name – NewSong
How Great Thou Art – NewSong
Psalm 40 – NewSong
God-Shaped Hole – Plumb
I Need You – Relient K
Give Until There’s Nothing Left – Relient K
Yours – Toby Mac
Made To Love – Toby Mac
Grace Like Rain – Todd Agnew
Come Ye Sinners – Todd Agnew
This Fragile Breath – Todd Agnew
Jesus Paid It All – Various
Savior – Various
Majesty – Various
How Marvelous – Various

D Day

2009-03-01T22:14:00.003-05:00

Dementors encounter soon. Expect there to be a lack in souls.

Burnt

2009-02-28T21:36:00.001-05:00

So the past few weeks have been really crazy. I end a job, I move I start to learn a new language, and I fall in love with a show. Burn Notice actually makes me want to live in a hot climate, which is saying quite a lot. Mike tells you exactly what he’s doing and why, making you feel like anyone could run secret ops; oh, and he drives a really hot vintage charger. Fiona makes me want to blow things up, create ciaos and bedlam all while being witty. Did I mention they do accents? And that Briscoe Downy Jr. is a hilarious alcoholic sidekick who is all about a free lunch? What you expect to happen really won’t with this show.

Anyway, enough of a shameless plug for an hours worth of entertainment; the real issue is adapting to my new surroundings. I’m doing my first load of laundry since I’ve moved here and I’m a little worried since the detergent is different from what I normally use. Not something foremost on the majority of people’s minds, but to someone who gets hives from looking at allergens, new detergent makes me nervous.

For the record, the picture of me with a frog has nothing to do with this post; I just like the fact that I caught a frog and someone got a picture of it.

I Woke With Planets In My Face

2009-02-02T21:55:00.003-05:00

I woke up with a song in my head. The funny thing is that I still can’t get it out. Usually listening to it once, then moving on right afterwards alleviates the problem but today it won’t go away. It’s such a catchy tune, though and if I can find it, I’m not sure I would post it for fear of starting a chain reaction. Of course, the band would probable love for that to happen (I mean, what’s a better way to get people to buy your music than getting one of your songs stuck in their head?). They’ve got a pretty unique sound, so I can pretty much guarantee that most haven’t been exposed to them. Honestly I can’t see a top 20 station ever playing their stuff. Accordion, bells, violin, guitar, and a drum set don’t exactly scream bland, nor static sound. Curious as to what the song is and who writes / performs it? The song is “Ziggurat” by Peter Adams. Check it out here: http://www.peteradamsmusic.com/

On a side note, I've tried several times, and really can't make myself like the coffee at Dunkin' Dounuts. Apparently I'm un-American since their slogan is "America Runs On Dunkin'"

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Stand On Your Head (or, whatever)

2009-01-30T22:01:00.000-05:00

There's a funny saying we've taken completely out of context in my family, and that is "You can stand on your head for (insert time length your trying to get through)". While this would work if you were waiting for some small denomination of time, say a few minutes, it gets more ridiculous the further you go out, say hours, days and weeks. It's meant to put things into perspective and to make you feel like anything can be endured for a little while. Here's the funny thing; I can't stand on my head. I tried so many times when I was little, and the only time I succeeded was when I was leaning up against the wall in our living room and my brother or sister had helped me get my legs up. Pretty sad and pathetic. I'm going to use the cop-out excuse of it having to do with my balance issues, as many things when I was little were effected by this (and still are). I can't do a cartwheel to save my life. Hours were spent in my yard as a child trying to learn. My mother, sister and even little brother were all joined in the effort to teach me and nothing happened but a few bonks on the head. My body just doesn't want to be upside down. To say that "I can stand on my head for 5 hours" is actually quite intimidating to me. Why 5 hours? Because that's how long I have until my work day is over.

Sisters

2009-01-23T03:06:00.002-05:00

My sister is being all nostalgic, so it's gotten me in the mood to post about the past. This picture is kind of a favorite. I actually had to take a picture of it with my camera because the real thing is on the wall of my parents house, so it makes it a bit hard to copy.

Revisited:

2009-01-21T18:05:00.000-05:00

My boss is gone this week. I’ve been employed to drive to his house on a daily basis and pick up his mail, then next-day it to him. The crazy man doesn’t know how to take a vacation, because I’m also to send his office mail along with the personal bundle. Driving through an area that used to be quite familiar, the changes stood out boldly and put me in a reminiscent mood. The little patisserie was gone, replaced by some boring looking shop. (No doubt if I were to go in asking for a chocolate pyramid they would look at me like I had lost it. My staple order consisted of a dark chocolate mousse that was molded into a pyramid and had a raspberry in the center. Pure joy, and it saddens me that I’ll never have one again.) The rec center had new outdoor toys for the children to play on. (Why weren’t toys that cool when I was a child? It almost makes me want to go and play on them now, despite my age.) I passed an old friends apartment and it made me wonder how he was doing. (Were it not for my fear of awkward random calls, I would have picked up my cell right then. Perhaps I will have to get a My Space page again just to keep track of some of those crazies.)

While driving, I ended up fully immersing myself in nostalgia by listening to some old favorites on my iPod. I cam across a Jewel song that I absolutely wore out back in the day called “Angel Standing By”. Its simplicity is what really strikes me as being beautiful. Only a guitar is heard instrumentally, and the notes played are arpeggios of various complementary scales. It could be a child’s etude for all its redundancy yet constant moving. I’m probably not explaining this well, but it has been a few years since I’ve been in a formal music atmosphere. Next came a Barenaked Ladies song, “Light Up My Room” that I used to play with the windows rolled down while I was flying down a back road and on my way to work in high school. It makes me think of sunny days with no worries. Before I could finish this thought, Billie Holiday came on singing “Crazy He Calls Me” and putting me in an entirely different mood. I had first started listening to her when I did a project my senior year. It was March, and I remember driving back and forth to libraries all around Cincinnati trying to find material for this silly project that I was throwing myself into wholeheartedly. I know that the days weren’t always rainy and dreary, but that’s what I think of whenever I here this song.

My sister has been posting things from childhood on her blog. There was a rhyme that my grandma used to say and reading her post made me 5 years old again, sitting at her dining room table (which doubled as my Cinderella coach when I hid underneath it) and trying so hard to color my pictures as pretty as my big sisters. She had this way of coloring in teeny circles so that you couldn’t tell which direction the crayon had gone in. The color was a smooth blend while mine were always slanted this way and that depending on how close I was getting to the lines. There was a shelf with all sorts of knick-knacks in the room that I loved to look at. My brother had given her a micro machine car that I always wanted to play with. At that point in life, I had an absolute fascination and obsession with anything that was small.

In all honesty, I’m rambling and trying to get my thoughts out of my head. My book has been sorely neglected and I need to rectify that. In order to write as another person, I need to empty my own thoughts out. My goal is to get a chapter done by the end of the week. We shall see.

Real women play in a dress

2009-01-19T19:49:00.003-05:00

It only took 10 months, but I finally got in a game of racquetball. I was also really pleased that I got to play in a formal dress and heels. It's the little things in life that make me giggle.

Mundane Me

2009-01-19T10:53:00.001-05:00

· I habitually count my chicken nuggets
· To be able to fall asleep, I have to listen to tv. If not, my mind wonders too much and end up awake all night.
· I don’t like “Lord of the Flies” and spent a lot of time arguing against the concepts behind it in HS.
· Diet pop tastes better to me.
· I love to cook, but hate cooking for just myself. Give me a group, and I’m in the kitchen.
· Cold weather makes me happy. Snow makes me happier.
· I’m pretty sure I sleep through my shower in the morning.
· My job kills me because I don’t feel that I’m taken seriously.
· Sleeping is one of my favorite things to do.
· I’m slightly colorblind. The dark end of the spectrum all looks the same to me, so don’t laugh if I’m wearing black and navy.
· I do judge books by their covers. If the cover looks bad, I won’t pick it up.
· Bad jokes make me laugh.

A Place Of Pretend

2009-01-09T22:54:00.001-05:00

I can’t help but want to dance when I hear classical music. From the time that I knew what dancing was, I wanted to be a ballerina. Not very original, I know, but it is the truth. I hear violins and cellos calling out their mournful tune and it makes me want to lift up onto my toes and display a grace that is, perhaps, deep within. Of course, the reality is that I have no training, couldn’t tell you any of the “positions”, nor do I have the balance needed (darn you vertigo). Reality really has a way of stealing my thunder.

One of the greatest compliments I believe I had ever received was when I was in college. I had just tried out for the first production of the year, of my college career, and the director told me that the choreographer was quite sure I was a ballerina. My ability to fake grace had apparently convinced this professionally trained, and quite talented, woman that I was something I had dreamed of. In that moment, I was not the awkward Amazonian that was my existence, but a poised, elegant woman. For years I had balked at my height, though I had known that it served a purpose, but for a time, I could allow myself to believe that elegance was mine and mine alone to display.

Been there, wish I hadn't done that

2009-01-04T23:19:00.003-05:00

Not sure why, but this has to be one of my favorite songs. It has so much feeling behind it. I think it's because I've also felt this way more than once in my life. The bitterness, the irony, but most of all the unrequited love.

So Wrong

2009-01-04T20:18:00.003-05:00

I normally don't share things that I write on this blog (I tend to save that for other places), but this is something I couldn't get out of my mind. I began this song a few days ago and is half done and quite rough. Be kind when reading it. If I manage to get it put to sheet music, I'll share the completed project. For now, here's a glimpse in my head:

I wrote everything down, just like you told me,
Since it was always so hard to say

I put it in the mail, but forgot the stamp,
And it got sent right back to my door
So I put it in a song, then sang it all wrong
Not that it matter, because I was out of tune
I thought about calling and just reading to you
But you never would pick up the phone

I remember how we used to play
Our crazy, made up arctic way
Then head to the backyard
And try not to get into a fight
Everything seems like it's been so long
Now the whole world just seems so wrong

The Clarinet

2009-01-01T10:39:00.002-05:00

I hit inspiration this morning. Not really sure where it came from, but for a moment I had the desperate and dire need to play my clarinet. Such and odd thing, I know and it’s not like I’ve kept up with playing it, yet I found myself sitting cross-legged at the side of my bed and putting together the dilapidated thing. I didn’t realize how badly it needed recorking until I noticed a piece of cork staying in the grooved space once occupied by the rest of that instruments section. I greased up the cork, wet the reed, played a scale and put it back in its case. I was afraid of waking up my roommates but I think I was more afraid of finding out how much I had forgotten. I wasn’t the greatest player, but I could hold my own in a college concert band, so I guess that’s saying something. I missed the running notes on a sheet of music, the defined lines that orchestrated everything. To an untrained eye, it really would look like a mess, but to someone who had spent years making the page come alive, it is a sweet sight. I guess I just really miss music. I can’t think of the last time I had a vocal warm-up, or even the last time I’d tuned my trumpet. Music used to be such a huge part of who I was, and now it feels like it’s slipping away. I sat at the piano last week to play some Christmas carols for my family and realized that I was having a really hard time reading bass clef. I think this almost made me cry that I was forgetting how to perform. It’s a bit sobering. Perhaps I will try my hand at it again today. There is still “Moonlight Sonata” that I have to conquer…

To Do List

2008-12-25T20:06:00.001-05:00

I’ve got one of these practically every day. I’m a bit of an organization freak and lists just make me happy. There are the daily lists, the weekly lists and then long-term lists. I’ve recently found out that these long-term lists are called bucket lists. The things you want to do before you die. I’ve been lucky to accomplish some of my desires. Shall I share my list?
(That which is in another color has already been done)

· Go to Egypt and see the pyramids
· Learn Polish well enough to hold a conversation
· Skydive
· Perform at the Aranoff
· Travel across the Mississippi river
· Have a family (husband and children)
· Get a tattoo
· Go to NYC and do all the “tourist” attractions
· Go on a mission trip
· Fly on an airplane
· Meet Ravi Zacharias
· Have a photo published

It may not be the most amazing list ever, but is very personalized. What’s yours? I could start one of those chain letters and tell 4 people that they have to do this, but I’ll just leave it up to you all to go for it.
Or I’ll say that those who are followers of me have to post their list. Yeah, that sounds good.

Polska

2008-12-25T18:56:00.003-05:00

I have an amazingly talented family. For Christmas, my brother built me a side table and my mother painted the Polish White Eagle on the top. If ever I was in love with a piece of furniture...

Stream of Conciousness

2008-12-22T17:58:00.000-05:00

I love winter. This morning I woke up to see the little pond outside my window frozen over, and it put me in such a good mood that I sang in the shower despite the real possibility of my roommate hearing me. I made a deal with myself that if there wasn’t a line at McDonald’s, I would stop for breakfast and coffee. Of course, there was no line and my diet continues to be ruined. Since they have the whole McCafé thing, I went for a non-fat caramel latté and had the pleasure of laughing to myself as (no joke) four employees stood around the coffee machine and were trying to figure out how to work it. The drink came out surprisingly good and I have a feeling I’m really going to have to fight temptation now.

I’ve fallen in love with a radio station. It plays alternative Christian music. Kind of sounds a bit weird, but it’s some really great music. I’m all about songs that are slow and heartfelt when praising God, but I also think he can hear us when we are jamming out. The Bible does tell us to make a joyful noise unto the Lord, after all. Plus the upbeat sound keeps me awake while I’m making the 40-minute commute into work. Check out Air1.com if you want to see what station to listen to.

I tend to find some off the wall things amusing. It’s the simple things in life, really. There are two places that make me giggle on an almost daily basis on my drive in. The first is a large down hill drop, followed by a quick curve up. Every time I’m on this stretch of road, I get the urge to throw my hands up in the air as if I were on a roller coaster. Of course, since I’m the only one in the car, and therefore the driver, it’s not a wise thing to do, so I resist the urge as best as possible. The second part of my ride, there is an almost 90 degree turn in the road and to warn drivers of the approaching hazard, there is a yellow sign with an arrow, along with blinking caution lights. While this in itself isn’t amusing, what makes me laugh is the thought of the lights going out. Does that mean, as so depicted in school zones, that the curve is no longer in effect? Yeah, I know I have issues.

Part-ay

2008-12-20T20:49:00.000-05:00

Water

2008-12-17T22:18:00.002-05:00

I realize this is a picture of water and you're probably thinking, "Abby, why are you posting a picture of water in December? Shouldn't there be something Christmas-y or snow related??", but really this is about cold. You see, I took this picture when I went on my girls trip this year, and it was quite cold. I braved the top deck along with five other people while the rest were below. My teeth were chattering despite my layers, but I couldn't resist the temptation of catching the morning light on the ferry ride to Mackinac Island. This picture in particular reminds me of that cold morning when we scraped the frost off of the car and drove to the dock. The water, despite being ridiculously cold, look oddly tempting in it's clearness.

To Sleep, Or Not To Sleep?

2008-12-16T04:57:00.002-05:00

That is the question. When I wake up in the middle of the night and am awake for a few hours, it's always a debate with me as to whether I allow myself to fall asleep if I do get tired when it gets to be really late (early?) like 5am. My alarm clock will go off in an hour anyway, so why not just stay up and do something productive, like blog apparently. Then again, at 10am am I going to really regret not having the hour power nap?
I think I'm going to start rolling a dice to make this decision. It seems about as rational as asking the blogging void if I should fall asleep or not.

We Are Family

2008-12-10T22:10:00.004-05:00

My brother is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met. Want proof? Read the card he gave me for my birthday:

I've been down that road a time or two

2008-12-01T00:40:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine once told me that he falls asleep praying. At first, I thought this was really disrespectful, borderline blasphemous if you will. In my life, at that time, I believed that God was to be approached with the utmost humility and reverence. To fall asleep, to not give Him my attention seemed so wrong, and I hate to admit it, but for a time, I thought a bit less of my friend. For a few days afterward I did a lot of reflecting on this judgment I had past and come to the conclusion that I was wrong. Honestly, at that point my relationship wasn’t strong enough to be so personal. I had been strict in keeping God at a distance as I had many others in my life. I took a step back and decided to throw caution to the wind, allowing myself to see him more as my Father and less as The Almighty. So I spent a few nights praying myself to sleep and found that I really liked it. Long and short, I felt quite sheepish for my snap judgment and was extra nice to my friend for a while, despite him not knowing that his words had affected me. I guess if he reads this, he will know now, so friend, if you do read this, I am sorry.

Praying myself to sleep isn’t always the best thing for me, however. My mind has a tendency to run away with itself (I’m well aware that I’m removing myself from the actions of my mind, as if it is a separate entity, but frankly it amuses me. Indulge me in this charade). This doesn’t help when I start confessing my misdeeds, reliving my day or unburdening my worries. Really, this tends to wake me further. I know the whole idea is to release my troubles to God and then be able to move on, but that’s just not how I work. I take on others burdens; how can I relinquish my own? There’s also a guilt complex, a despair in not relying on His will. Blast me and my inadequacies.

Why bring this up now? Because I just spent the last hour praying and am now wide awake. My alarm will go off in a little over 5 hours and have am mind that is racing. My body is tired, wanting nothing more than to rest but sleep will not come. My eyes grow heavy, yet they will not stay closed. Definitely not a cool thing.

"I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I'm my own entourage!"

2008-11-29T18:31:00.003-05:00

Gross Point Blank is kind of one of my favorite movies. I was talking to my friend earlier and I told them that I wanted to have John Cusack for Christmas. Tall, dark, handsome, funny, I mean who wouldn’t go for that? Sure, in GPB he plays a gun for hire with no remorse. Not exactly what I’m going for, but I can be a forgiving person. The poor guy has a mother who is out of her mind and can’t really relate to anyone. His past isn’t exactly one that can be shared, yet he’s got a date with destiny. How on earth do you deal with coming back to your old home town when you had disappeared. He sat on his hotel bed reading a discovery magazine. The guy is a killer and likes to learn. Interesting. Let’s not forget that he’s brooding and been in love with the same woman for 10 years. It’s a bit creepy I have to admit, being in love with one woman that he hasn’t seen since he left her on prom night.
Maybe I’ve got a dark side. Maybe I like dark and twisty people. Or maybe I’m amused by interesting souls. Of course it could be that I’m delusional and forget the fact that John Cusack is playing a character in a movie and that I know nothing at all about JC other than what characters he’s played in movies. Or his dark, witty characters make me laugh. Not really sure.
By the way, the therapist was also the wellness guide in “America’s Sweethearts” who gave Eddie the wonderful advice:

Wellness Guide: We have a saying, Edward: "Meck-a-leck-a-hala-vabeem-sala-beem".

Eddie: What does that mean?

Wellness Guide: I don't know what it means, it's very old.

ET, Call Back

2008-11-28T22:17:00.004-05:00

E.T. please pick up the phone when I call you. I'm hoping that crazy glowing finger of yours can heal my weird eyeball. Strike that; perhaps it was the weird finger that caused the eye issue. I've got to stop sleeping with my window open.

Seriously though, I have no idea why it looks like my eye is bleeding. I didn't do anything to it, and simply woke up to a freaked out eye. So weird.

Perfect Timing

2008-11-27T21:26:00.001-05:00

My brother's cat did not want to be in the picture. Luckly, I caught the freak out moment on my camera.

Open Forum

2008-11-26T17:12:00.002-05:00

Dear Sister,

I’m posting a post about you not posting. That’s right; I’m calling you out. It’s your silly prodding that got me to blog in the first place, so I feel I have the right to get on you about your lack of diligence. Where are the biting diatribes? The random quotes? I know it’s difficult finding time to be urbane when you’re a grownup, but darn it, as your “little” sister, it’s your job to keep me entertained.
Remember when you would play school and make us do homework? Or when we played hide-and-seek in the bins? That kept me occupied for hours, but it wasn’t very fun. I’m hoping that you’ve gotten better at entertaining people over the years and can give me something really good to read.

Love,
Glabby

Fiction, People. Fiction

2008-11-22T19:52:00.005-05:00

I’ve recently finished “The Shack” by Wm. Paul Young and taken a lot away from it. To be sure, I’m quite aware of the fact that it’s fiction (perhaps not the best way to express that sentence, but it made me giggle a bit, so it's staying). The book is from someone’s memory, and like my own, I do not trust it completely. There is too much to emotion that allows one to distort the facts and skew them to what is desired as opposed to what really happens. We would all desire to say that we’ve seen God, that we have met Him in an intimate way. I guess that we all have, just not in the conventional means of physicality. In “The Shack” the protagonist talks about his struggle with a certain situation (all be it, a devastation one) and how a growing relationship with the Lord allows him to grow past the pain of it all, trusting in His love to make the wrong right. I know the scandal of the story is how Mack sees God in manifest form, but if you look past that, there is a lot to behold. Try it out. I can't count how many times a piece of fiction has inspired a change fore the better in myself.

We all have our stories. They have tragedy, humor, tears and suffering sprinkled throughout the tale. We all have our secret pain that holds us to the past, that keeps us from being the innocent that we started out as. Many times, the story is what hardens us. I only wish I was able to control my emotions so that I would be able to discern what is true from what feels right. Clearly we all have feelings as to what is right and wrong, but what is truth amidst all the emotions?

Something Rotten In The State Of Home

2008-11-20T02:18:00.001-05:00

As I was drifting off to sleep tonight I hear a siren going off and coming closer to my home. I thought nothing of it. Nothing. I had a hard time turning off my mind tonight. A lot is going on in this strange head of mine, things that are eating away at me, things that I don’t understand and things that I may not want to understand. I drifted off to sleep finally and woke up about a half an hour later to the distinct rumble of several diesel engines. It’s hard to ignore a voice shouting inside your own head, especially when it’s speaking the truth. Anyway, I expected it to be a rough night due to the beginning. I’m looking at the clock now and it’s 1:23am. The sounds of large vehicles backing up and an occasional departure drifts to my very awake consciousness. I have this anxious feeling, like something has to happen. It’s usually not a good something when I get this feeling, so it’s no wonder I’ve been bothered by it. I feel like I’m standing on a precipice and at any second my curiosity will get the better of me, I will lean too far over to see what’s below me and I will go tumbling down. I like to fix problems, and sometimes problem solvers fall into the mess and make things more complicated. A nagging feeling tells me that this just might be a part of the anxious feeling. 1:35am and things are getting a bit quieter. My window is open and I can feel a cold breeze drifting past the thick curtains. I love cold weather, and the crispness of the night air both sooths and exhilarates me. Strange that I never smelled the smoke. I keep waiting for one of my roommates to get home. Had I not know of her habit of falling asleep on her parents couch, I might have been worried. 1:57am.

Have I confused you enough yet? About midnight a fire broke out in the apartment building across from mine. In the daze of all the lights, I didn’t think to count all the fire trucks and ambulances that were present. Due to the fact that they inhabited the complex, it was safe to assume at least a dozen and still be somewhat conservative. I got up after about a half an hour of hearing the trucks. Since I knew it was going to be a long night before any of the drama had time to manifest itself, I had turned on my laptop and was watching a movie, attempting to fall asleep. My room faces the back of our place, so I go to the hall window and see the world ablaze with fire truck lights. In a panic, I throw on a pair of jeans and shoved my feet into shoes as I grab my coat and run out the door. I knew I wasn’t in danger, as the focus of the lighted spectacle wasn’t turned to my building, but I had to know what on earth was going on. You would too, had you seen that many trucks. I go to the first people I see and ask what on earth was going on and find out that one of the apartments had a fire. Everyone had made it out safe thankfully, but I did notice an aerial ladder extended to the roof. On finding out that the danger was over, I walked back to my little corner of the establishment and as quietly as I could, got back to my room.

A fire. I know nothing catastrophic happened tonight, but all the fire and police sent me into a state of fear. Ever since I was little, I’ve had a fear of fire. This manifested itself when my family was still living in Carthage and the neighbor across the street caught his truck on fire. It was parked in between two houses and I remember the eerie shadows that were thrown on the white siding by the flames. It was put out almost as quickly as it had started, but I had been so afraid. That night, I dreamed that it caught fire again, but this time it wouldn’t go out. Instead the flames crawled across the street on power lines and consumed my home and those around it. I didn’t sleep much after that. More than likely, I had tried to crawl in bed with my big sister, got rejected (she’s a grump if you wake her up) and ended up sitting curled up in a ball on the edge of her bed where I knew she wouldn’t notice me. Nothing else ever caught fire around me. No more car fires, no houses ever suffering from a careless match, so really I shouldn’t have had such a fear. It took a long time to not be afraid of fire, first approaching it with weary suspicion and finally seeing a comforting glow to enjoy. Another house I lived in had a fireplace and we would get regular use out of it. I think the thing got stoked at least three times a week in the cooler weather. I loved coming home, getting out of the car, and smelling the smoky cured wood smell.

Not really sure where to end this at. It’s 2:22am and I’m sure I’ve gone on considerably. Sleep still doesn’t seem close. I’m still thinking too much about the “impending event”, whatever it may be, though I doubt there is much that can be done about it. This whole time I’ve been rambling, I’ve debated whether I should post what’s really on my mind or not. There are so many changes happening with me right now, many of them I’m fighting against and I wonder if I should be. Sometimes the best option is to walk away. I can’t solve every problem.

2:32am one lone fire truck sits outside, only the hazard lights glowing now.

Layered Look

2008-11-19T17:58:00.002-05:00

Apparently I’m in a very girly mood lately. I went shopping in between jobs yesterday and got a new outfit. Nothing special, but it still made me excited to get up today and wear it. Since the outfit was new and cute, I of course had to look the part, so my hair is pulled back in a sassy manner and I’m full out on the makeup. It’s been awhile since I’ve been in the mood to care about my exterior. I got a job because of my looks, then found I wasn’t taken seriously and also seen as an object to flirt with. The solution was to dress down, be anti-makeup and really make myself unattractive. Clearly I’ve gotten bored of it.

I am a Delicate Flower

2008-11-15T03:23:00.003-05:00

It’s Friday night. Day whatever of being sick and I’m trying really hard to take it easy so I can get better. How do I do this? By drinking a glass of wine, having a lovely bacon pineapple pizza delivered to my door and catching up on last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I really never would have pinned myself as being the type to watch Grey’s Anatomy, simply because it’s a soap opera. I don’t do silly things like that. Then again, apparently I do. There was an episode in season 2 where Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd asked Stephens if she felt silly calling Dr. Shepherd McDreamy. She admitted it as if she really didn’t want to say that she had called him McDreamy; as if that pet name had never crossed her lips. Once being caught, Stephens felt quite silly and you could tell that she really regretted having to admit such a girly thing. I get that Stephens is all “Hello Kitty” with sunshine and daises, but it seemed that even a McDreamy was a bit of a stretch for her. Had I not be so completely sucked into the show, I would totally make fun of calling some guy Mc-whatever. Who does that??? Apparently, I do now. As I am watching the latest and greatest episode, I’m watching Dr. Owen Hunt (Kevin McKidd) and Mc-ing him. I’ve decided that despite the fact that he’s a fictional character, I’m quite in love with him. The red hair, blue eyes, serious and brooding personality; he exudes manliness. I want a guy to do that to me. Make me swoon, darn it. I know I’m tall and (to quote “Friends”) freakishly strong. I know I can use a drill and build things, that I’m business savvy and enjoy things like cards and action movies. But darn it, I want to feel delicate!

Out of Sheer Honesty

2008-11-13T07:06:00.002-05:00

Cousins

2008-11-06T18:27:00.001-05:00

A Weekend Away

2008-11-03T18:39:00.001-05:00

All My Friends In a (S)low Rider

2008-10-26T20:11:00.003-04:00

Today is the day of stupid drivers. I've not spent a lot of time driving today, probably a grand total of 15 minutes and experienced 4 bad drivers. I know it was a gorgeous day, great for a Sunday drive, but please don't drive 25 in the left hand lane on Beechmont when there is no one in front of you. The speed limit there is 40mph; at least come close. We have, after all, achieved faster modes of transportation than were available in the 1900's.

(Okay, the driving was bad, but it didn't annoy me that much. Really I was just looking for an excuse to use the above picture that I took last weekend.)

You've Just Entered...The Twilight Zone

2008-10-23T19:32:00.001-04:00

I’m kind of feeling like the guy from “The Twilight Zone”. I know, that was a really generalized statement, but I’m talking about the man who finally got what he wanted, all the time in the world to read his beloved books, then breaks his glasses, rendering his reading option obsolete. Yeah, that’s what I’m feeling. No my glasses didn’t break, but I am having that feeling of wasting my gift of time.
First, I don’t have speakers on my computer here at work, meaning I can’t listen to music. Normally not a big deal because I’ve got my trusty iPod with me, but I’ve really been craving some time with Pandora. The lack of speakers also hinders youtube viewing, which in addition can hinder “reading” some of my friend’s blogs. Second, since I’m not on my home computer, I don’t have access to my hundreds of pictures that I would normally pull from to make my posts at least a little more entertaining. I’m a bit of a visual person and like to have things to look at, so I know you few who read this are probably wanting the pictures as opposed to my ramblings. Finally, I’m an idiot and can’t find the book I’ve been wanting to read. So not cool.

Still on Island Time

2008-10-21T20:10:00.002-04:00

My brain is fried. I’m sitting here playing Sudoku and taking forever on solving the puzzle, having no idea where to go next. Thankfully work is going quickly tonight, or I would really be out of it. There’s a lot of activity going on, and I’m about half way through with my shift.
Speaking of activity (I know, that’s the worst transitional phrase anyone could use) I literally just got up and showed one of the teens the proper way to sneak past a person, cartoon style. If he didn’t know my dork status before, it’s pretty apparent now.

Why am I more fried than normal? Because I spent the last four days in a whirl. I took a mini-vacation with the girls and packed so much in that I’m still spinning. I’d planned on writing about the weekend, but I’ve got no idea where to start. I burned through about 200 pictures, and there would have been more but the ladies didn’t give me proper time to really get into things. I was also restricted from riding on the top of the ferry on our way back, so that took out a lot of great shots. Still, I probably exposed myself quite well to the elements. An 8+ mile bike ride around the island in cold weather (low 50’s) along with the rest of the weekend out and about gave me plenty of time to soak in wonderful chilly weather.

Long story short (“too late!”), I don’t even know where to begin when documenting the trip. There was lots of shopping, crazy people, delicious food, random guys with cat calls, Beatles impersonators hitting on us, fried pickles, tilting seats, the perfect martini, losing at Polish Rummy, fun foreign workers, movie flashbacks, dreams coming true, spa time, therapy time, bonding time, and did I mention the food? As usual, the girl’s trip was truly packed to the brim and I loved every minute of it.

Road Rules

2008-10-14T18:04:00.002-04:00

Yesterday as I was driving from one job to the next, I got really frustrated at the SUV in front of me. They were slow to go on green lights and going really slowly for no reason (30 in a 45 with no cars in front of you?!?). The big problem was that they were in the left lane and not passing the slower traffic in the right lane. Then I noticed something; the vehicle was swerving a bit. Not a good sign. My first thought, sadly was that this person was drunk at 5:30pm and driving? It's bad enough to be drunk by that time of the late afternoon, but to be driving? That's so unsafe! So I was freaking out a bit and not wanting to be around them. I got the opportunity (and courage) to pass them in the right lane and glanced over. The driver was reading a book. READING A BOOK WHILE DRIVING!!! I've not always been the safest person when driving. I'm quite guilty of eating and driving at the same time. I've even talked on the phone (my mother has a sixth sense and always seems to call while I'm on the road), but darn it, I'm careful and extra focused! I have no idea what the driver was reading, but there's no way it was that important. It wasn't a map or anything, but an honest to goodness book that this person was willing to risk a wreck on. Really??

I love books just as much as the next person. In playing the whole desert island game (you can only take 3 of "x" to keep you occupied for the rest of your life), I have the worst time figuring what 3 books I would take. Usually I try to think of compilation books, for example, I have a novel which contains all of Jane Austen's books, all in one. That might be a good choice, but then there would be the usefulness of having some sort of medical book with me, and let's not forget the Bible. I keep a bible with me wherever I go, so of course I would want one with me on the island. Then there is a fabulous volume I have that contains the complete works of Shakespeare (including his sonnets) which would be wonderful to have, but then there are about 10 other books that are in my favorites. Could I have one of those electronic books with all that I could load onto it's memory and have it run off of solar power? Would that be cheating? I've usually got a few books that I'm reading at once, many piled up next to my bed. There are piles in the hallway under my packed-beyond-capacity bookshelf, a cabinet overflowing, two wine boxes stacked and filled, a basket on top of the boxes filled and a knickknack shelf (bolted to the wall to hold the weight) lined with paperbacks. Then there are the books still at my parents... Yeah, I have a bit of a love affair with the written word, but have never, Never, NEVER read while driving.

All I could do was cry; or, I'm not as old as you think I am

2008-10-12T20:42:00.003-04:00

We all have times when we feel a bit rough. As previously mentioned, sleep and I don’t always get along. If we were in a romantic relationship, we would need couples therapy. Either he's being stubborn and avoiding me (assumingly sleeping on the couch and not out with another woman!), or being entirely too clingy and not letting me out of his sight. I say it's his fault because clearly I have no issues.

Now, when someone doesn’t sleep very well a few things can happen; 1, the can be grouchy, 2, they can get circles under their eyes, 3, they could look like they are always in a daze. I’m not too bad at the grouchy part, but the other two I excel in. This usually doesn’t bother me too much, but today I got hit pretty hard. At dinner, my younger cousin mentioned that when I had come up to him earlier that day, his friends had asked if I was his mom. SERIOUSLY?!?!? I look like I have birthed a 15 year old???

I don't do age well. I had laughed at my sister for years for freaking out about celebrating birthdays. It was as if there was an impending doom, a death even and not something fun. I didn't have a problem with celebrating this occasion until last year. Twenty-five hit me like a ton of bricks. The week leading up to my birthday, I didn't want to see anyone or do anything. The actual day of my birth, I didn't even want to leave my bed. There was so much that I had wanted to accomplish by that time, and I wasn't even close to it. In all honesty, I'm still not, so 26 is starting to rear an ugly head. True, I've got about 7 weeks, but that's not nearly enough time. I'm trying to stay calm, but with the mistaken motherhood comment on top of birthday talks with my friend, yesterday was not good.

Please don't tease me over this, dear friends. You might have a weeping Abby on your hands...

Momma No!

2008-10-06T20:09:00.004-04:00

I can be a bit out there. My family claims I'm in a world of my own a lot (little do they know I'm really in it most of the time), and that can make things difficult when trying to interact with the "real" world. My biggest difficulty is time. Usually hours don't mess me up, but days. I have the worst time remembering what day it is, much less what the date is. I had a fabulous watch a few years ago that had the date on it and I'm pretty sure I cried when I lost it.

Par for course, I'm doing a lot in my life that requires being coordinated. I'm a little behind the times, and had a paper planner that I've used for the past few years, but it's gotten to be a hassle to carry around. I've found myself leaving it at work more and more simply because of the bulk of it and that's started to get me into trouble. I scheduled myself for singing at church on a weekend I was going to be gone, and missed a one-on-one meeting with my boss, all within 2 work days of each other. NOT GOOD! The bulky planner had to go and in it's place comes...a palm pilot. Dear, wonderful friends of mine gave me one they weren't using and I've spent a lot of this evening putting my schedule into it. It's an absolute blessing to get (yes, I feel funny saying that about a piece of technology). With that said, anyone want a Franklin Covey leather planner?

I Don't Wear Blue Suede Shoes

2008-10-02T17:43:00.000-04:00

I've always liked jazz and the blues, but haven't always thought to expand my (very) minimal collection. Lately I've been seeking things out thanks to Pandora and am falling in love. It's great because the songs I'm finding are really old, and sound like they are being played off a record instead of being digitally mastered and perfectly mixed with multiple tracks added in for a stronger sound. These people relied on only their voices, raw and rough as they may be, and minimal instruments. Many times you'll hear a guy and his guitar...and that's it. The other great part about the blues is they have some of the most interesting lyrics and titles. Some are down right crazy (the second one listed is proof of that). If you get a chance, check some of these out.

Songs:
Worrying You Off My Mind
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
Thousand Woman Blues
Wee Wee Hours Blues
Next Time You See Me
Baby Please Don't Go
Mannish Boy
I'm A Red Hot Momma
Stewball

Artists:
Furry Lewis
Big Bill Broonzy
Memphis Slim
Muddy Waters
Soggy Bottom Boys

P.S., I dabble a bit in singing / writing some blues and am looking for a fun name. Those who know me, any suggestions? My style and songs tend to lean more towards the sassy rather than the sad.

Stars Shinning Bright Above

2008-10-01T22:21:00.003-04:00

I've always been a sucker for stars. When I was little, we would go visit family on our farm, staying in the house my mom grew up in. Far away from city lights and smog, it sat in a valley with a great, wide sky above it. My favorite part was going out late at night and looking at all the stars. It's amazing to be able to actually see the Milky Way, to not even think about counting all the stars because you know that you couldn't ever accomplish such a task.

In college, there was a big meteor shower that took place. I was out in the country (close to where my family's farm is at) so there was a pretty clear sky. My dear friend and I decided to go out at watch the show at it's peak hour, 2am. We groggily made our way to one of the squares and both took a bench to lay down on. It was cold, and cement doesn't do much to warm a person, but we stayed out for a long time anyway. It was beautiful

I remember sitting outside one starry summer night when I was young with this guy I had a crush on. He was the cousin of my neighbor and all the adults were on the porch playing cards. We sat and talked and I just knew that I was in love. Yeah, I don't think he ever knew, so clearly it wasn't love. He was my first crush, and I've been on a roll ever since.

SAP WARNING!
My old boyfriend and I had the usual song that sort of defined our relationship. It was "Dream A Little Dream Of Me", and it all started with me singing a version in a jazz band.

I had just performed and was pretty hyped about how well things went so something as boring as going home just wasn't an option. D took me on a late night date, which just so happened to coincide with the moonbow. We bypassed the usual tourist spot and ventured in the dark down to a small sandy beach just down from the falls. It was a gorgeous site, but since it was February, it was also a bit cold. He stood with his arms around me and we both just started to sway. One of us made the comment that there should be music and I started to sing what would be "our song" as we danced under the stars. After I had stopped singing, we came to our senses, realized it was freezing and hiked back to the car. Still, a pretty magical moment, and I swear every part of it is true.

Why all the star gazing stories? Well, I went to the apartment's office to drop off the months rent in the drop box and was struck on my walk back home at how beautiful the sky was. I had spent today rushing around and for a moment, finally stopped. I sat down on the sidewalk at the corner (if any of my neighbors were watching, I'm sure they thought I was crazy) and watched the clouds part for those majestic jewels in the sky. I sat there, fully content with the moment, and gave thanks to God for the beauty he created. It was such a peaceful moment.

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight
I wish I may,I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight

Covington Inked

2008-09-28T12:29:00.007-04:00

I did it. I’m inked. Never thought that would happen, but I drew up a design and fell in love with it. There couldn’t be a more perfect tattoo for me. I’m pretty sure it’s my last one, despite friends telling me that it’s addictive.

So here’s how the story went; Friday night the gals got dressed up, went to Mother’s in Covington, watched as I got my tattoo, then we went for a late dinner. Good times. Oh, and we were also pretty hyper so, silly pictures may have taken place.

The guy who did the art was really awesome. We got there late but the guy, Brian, stayed for me since it wasn't a big piece. I was ready for some serious pain since everything I had been told was that my wrist was one of the most sensitive places, but really it didn't hurt at all. Things went quickly, and I laughed as Alison was struggling to work my camera, but all went well. Dinner was really great. We sat outside and listened to a street musician while talking about life. It had been too long since I'd had a girls night out and after this one, I've decided they need to happen more often.

A Night To Remember

2008-09-19T21:08:00.005-04:00

Tonight I’m alone. A group of my friends went on a camping excursion and I wasn’t able to go. Am I jealous? Of course, though I’m trying to not put myself in a dark mood. It was going to be my first camping trip, but darn it if I had to work. In leu of interesting conversations and acting as if I’d never heard of electricity (though this past week had taught me a few lessons in that area), I’m spending my time relaxing. Allow me to paint a picture; I have two tapered candles lit on my dresser in front of the mirror causing a very soothing light effect, along with my favorite pajama’s on (the ones that are really comfortable but still look really cute on me), a glass of wine, some chocolate, and a list of things for tomorrow. I know, the list doesn’t sound relaxing, but I’m planning a few yummy dinners, so it sounds very good to me.

I’ve been in a creative slump lately. I haven’t picked up a musical instrument, written a song, made any new jewelry pieces, taking any photo’s or created any fun meals. Not a good thing. Don’t hate me for saying it, but Christmas is coming up. No, I’m not one of those people who starts celebrating the moment the A/C goes off, but being a crafty person, I have to have a lot of time to make gifts. It’s a family tradition to give handmade gifts to those we love. I’m sure my friends think it’s the cheap way out and dread opening packages from me, but like I said, handmade gifts are a big deal in my family. I still have my hopes up for a painting from my mom this year. It takes a lot to persuade her to use her wonderful gift.

Another reason I’m needing the creative juices to flow is because of church. I switch off leading the children’s worship and I feel like the last few weeks I haven’t been doing the kids justice. I know it’s not about putting on a show, that we should be simply allowing the story of Jesus to capture their interest, but I also know that it’s a room with 70+ kids under the age of 10 and their attention span isn’t that great. Perhaps that’s why I identify with them so well...

Wait, where was I going with this? Oh yes, my need to relax. Things have been so jumbled lately that I haven't allowed myself to calm down in order to enjoy life and contribute something semi-meaningful. Tomorrow I am going to attempt some yoga in the morning, go grocery shopping, then head to a picnic. It should be good times, and I'm hoping that I can feel more like myself soon. I'm very bored with the me that is present right now.

The Cat's Meow

2008-09-16T17:44:00.002-04:00

Most will be writing about the lack of power, but I’m going to avoid that; for now. I’m at my parents right now and am loving things. A cat has taken to having kittens in their yard, three litters in a row and this most recent one is just too adorable. Of course I’ve already picked out one, the runt of the group. He’s the most adventurous, coming to me when I call for him, and he’s been named Kip. Oh, if only I weren’t allergic to the little fur balls.

Sometimes it is all you can do

2008-09-11T22:11:00.003-04:00

It's been a hard time. I was going to define this more, but couldn't tell you if it's been a day, week, month, year, decade...
I just want to step back and breath

She's Always Buzzin' Just Like Neon

2008-09-07T02:50:00.002-04:00

Half of the Whole

2008-09-07T02:28:00.003-04:00

"The Cousins". That's what we call ourselves, and I love it.

Sweet Dreams

2008-09-04T06:58:00.002-04:00

Dear Patsy Cline,

I would like to have "Sweet Dreams" of someone instead of the weird ones I get. Although being tortured in my sleep by thoughts of someone I can't have doesn't sound all that appealing, it is a bit better (and a bit more of the norm) than what I've been experiencing.
Since I've been singing your songs for as long as I can remember, I was hoping you could help me out. I know that you're dead and all, but stranger things have happened.

Your Devoted Fan,
Abby

(I need some better sleep. It's 7am and I'm already writing nonsense.)

it IS my cup of tea

2008-09-02T22:13:00.003-04:00

I just discovered how to post youtube videos, so here are two favorite songs. I seriously need more of their music.

Baseball At Its Finest

2008-09-02T21:34:00.001-04:00

Searching

2008-08-31T22:31:00.001-04:00

How to find grace? I know I write a lot about “deep things”, about religion and introspections, and perhaps that’s not the most entertaining nor sought after reading but I can’t help myself. I spend so much time externally portraying a person that is a shadow of the real me.

I have a dear friend that I have wonderfully deep conversations with. We get deep, we go into things that I don’t even know I would go into on my anonymous blog (yes, I have a blog that I write under pseudonym. It feels so romantic, so Hemingway). I don’t have that with a lot of people; honestly I don’t have that with anyone. This dear friend still doesn’t have all the information, but has a way of drawing me out like no other. Sometimes I really am afraid of how much I’ve let go of control of, how much I’ve divulged. My thoughts are all I have control over, and to lose that is quite a difficult thing.

We discussed grace the other day. It’s a very magnanimous thing, to speak of giving grace to someone, as if I were some sort of royalty or deity. Who am I to give grace? How can someone give grace? Do we wave a magic wand; give a magic incantation? Can I smack the person on the forehead like some cheesy televangelist and tell them that they are healed? If someone gives me pain, if I ache, how do I throw away all my emotions, all of my baggage, how can I forgive that as if I haven’t been scared by such a thing? I ask these questions probably a hundred times a week, a day, as if thinking about it would make everything seem more logical.

Clearly I have been watching too much “Grey’s Anatomy”, been influenced by the monologues given before and after each episode. As if the words that I type, that I think would be somehow profound and assist others in their daily plight. How egotistical can one get???

What was I talking about? Grace. How can I find it within my time, within my dark and twisty existence to find grace for those who mad me dark and twisty? It goes against every grain I have built within my body. I’ve spent years protecting myself from others attacks. Really I’m not so tough of a creature that I represent myself. I’m quite delicate really, although a good actress. Darn the world for making me a good actress. It feels like a lie really, and I’ve never been good at lying. Ask my parents, and they will tell you that I can never lie convincingly. I stink at bluffing in poker and any other recreational lying games. Even those that don’t know me very well can tell when I’m lying. I guess it’s a noble trait, that I should be glad I cannot sink to such depths in lack of scruples. Still, my lies protect me from vulnerability. Too many times my emotions have left me to fend for myself in an arena of poison that spews forth from those that I’m supposed to trust. Those are the people I’m supposed to give grace to. Can you blame me for being conflicted in granting grace?

Stream of Consciousness

2008-08-29T06:05:00.001-04:00

Every Thursday we have breakfast sitting out in the kitchen at work. It varies from week to week and this morning we had bagels. I discovered that I’m a bagel snob from having my sister bring me food from Bruegger’s. That, my friends, is a place where there are real bagels. Hard on the outside and chewy on the inside. That’s how I roll…

I have to change my password a lot at work. It’s a required thing. The problem is that I have a really bad memory and can’t remember what the “flavor of the month” password is, so I have to write it down. I feel this is counter-productive…

I was driving in to work when I saw a woman pulled over by a cop. Her window was down and I could see her arms hanging out. At first, I thought she was being arrested and had her hands up, but then I saw she was just in the middle of a yawn and stretch. Apparently being pulled over wasn’t fazing her…

For all stupid calls at my work we have a person that we transfer them to. His name is Stewart Podasso (we like to call him Stu), has an extension and voicemail set up but is always out of the office. It’s really funny when people come to the main office looking for him...

I love having a mouse that has the roller ball. It makes scrolling down the many spreadsheets much easier and I’ve decided I can’t live without one anymore. However, the one that I currently have makes a clicking noise when I scroll, and that annoys me. The mouse may end up in the parking lot one day…

I have vertigo, which is something I’m pretty accustom to. Most of the time, it makes me laugh because I’m sure I look either ridiculously clumsy or drunk when I’m having a spell. Change in weather tends to intensify the frequency of these spells and yesterday I managed to save myself from falling into a cubicle wall and giving myself a black eye. This morning I wasn’t so fortunate. I fell in the shower and now have a very large bruise on my *ahem* backside. Sitting isn’t very comfortable…

I make the music

2008-08-26T20:58:00.002-04:00

My little cousin will come over to my parents house and want to play my piano. He calls this "diddle-diddle" and it's something that we've done together since he was old enough to hold his self up. I set him on my lap and we take turns playing different notes. Sometimes he will take my hand and place it on the keyboard, wanting me to play for awhile so he can watch the hammers inside hitting the strings. Apparently the last time they visited my mom asked him if he wanted to play "diddle-diddle" and he informed her he couldn't because I wasn't there. That made my heart smile.

I dream of genie with the light brown hair...

2008-08-19T21:04:00.004-04:00

I know I’ve written about dreams before, and lately the topic of sleep has been all consuming but it can’t be helped. Indulge me.

Twice I’ve had vivid dreams about scary circumstances, situations that have called me to be more than I have within me. I’m hoping that if such dreams come to pass, they are more in a symbolic version than what I lived in that nighttime alternate existence. Last night I was up for an hour contemplating what to make of things.

Dreams are such an odd way to pass the time in those wee small hours. Our bodies are supposed to be at rest, recuperating from the beating it had taken since the last respite and rejuvenating for the next round of tasks. I should not wake from this time of recharge with more complications than when I fell to sleep.

Perhaps these tasks will come to fruition. I pray that I can be guided by God and not rely on my own inept abilities to carry me through. That could be disastrous. No, I'm not going to tell what the dreams have been about. Some things are just too personal to go into detail and must be referred to in the broadest of senses. It's a tease, but I won't change my mind.

Who Needs Sleep?

2008-08-11T07:05:00.003-04:00

I'm being bloggorific, I know. Another rough night, another morning of being way too tired. I'm really glad I've got a coffee pot sitting at my desk. Sleep, why are you mad at me?? Why can't we meet up soon?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4_Edo1hB0Q

The Morning After

2008-08-10T21:45:00.003-04:00

(Sometimes I feel I purposefully chose semi-scandalous sounding titles for my blog just so I can talk about the mundane. It amuses me.)
Well, I got about three hours of sleep and was really looking rough this morning. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to function on that little sleep, and let me tell you, I don’t do it as well as I used to. I was a bit slap-happy and that turned into being high strung. I was doing a job I hadn’t done before on a computer system I’d never used without any practice. Being a bit of a performance perfectionist, to me it crashed and burned. This experience not only mad me long for the days of “real” theatre, but also confirmed a desperate need for a Stage Manager. I know what you’re thinking, “Stage Manager? At church??” Trust me, there is a need. From sitting in the background for a while, I saw the need, but when I was on the inside and actually there from beginning to end the need was blatant.
Where was I going with this? Did I mention I need lots of sleep and got very little? Anyway, so the theatre buff is back with a vengeance and I’m going to be prepping my cousin to take this job on. I’ve busted out the old textbooks and am prepping how to teach this. The funny thing is that I learned theatre stuff before I took the courses and got the textbooks, so how to teach this?
The dork in me is really ready for this. I can’t wait.
Oh, and on a side note, it’s 10:00 and I’m so ready for bed. I have dirty dishes in the sink and 4 more episodes of The Office to get caught up on, so I’ve got awhile before I can fall into bed. And a bible study to finish. How I want my bed.

When You Sleep, What Do You Dream About?

2008-08-10T00:16:00.004-04:00

It's after midnight and I'm wide awake. I hate that. My mind races sometimes, usually at night, and over the years I have developed a few counter-attacks to this annoyance. Truth be told I'm one of those people who require a lot of sleep, so insomnia seems out of left field. Tonight my usual arsenal of defence just isn't cutting it. My alarm will go off in a little less than 6 hours, and that is not enough sleep for me to function well on.

In desperation, I logged onto check my gmail in hopes that I would see someone else awake but found no one. This was a lonely moment for me, and it made me realize how starved I am for companionship. Along with my horrible insomnia habit, I also have the tendency to fall into seclusion. It happens slowly but builds up to a breaking point, which I think I've hit, hence the inability to sleep. In Don Miller's "Blue Like Jazz", he talks about how we aren't meant to be alone; that we are social creatures right down to our romantic pairing off. That companionship hasn't been present in a long time and I'm really starting to feel the effects of it. My best friend has always accused my mother of wanting to marry me off for all the match making she attempts. Last week she sent in an RSVP to my cousins wedding as me and a guest attending. Thanks Mom. Now I have to find a date. It's not within my personality to pursue men. I wait for them to come to me, which is probably why I've been single for so long. My poor mother is just trying her hardest to see me happy. She knows how important family is for me.

The upside to this loneliness is forming my own family through those I surround myself with. I've got some really great friends that I've gotten close to. I let them see me and rarely act around them. They are my family.

I'm rambling. It's late and I have nothing else to do but write. It's been a long time since I've really written anything. Once upon a time, I was all about creating stories and that part of me has been dormant. I've started up again, nothing too exciting, but am hoping to get sucked into the project and have something published. Everything I've written thus far has been for my own amusement or part of a school assignment but I've always had this dream of being published. I have a great memory of being ten and sitting on my neighbors front porch, writing what I believed would be the next best seller. It was summer time and there were quite a few of us hanging out on that sunny day. I know they all thought of me as odd but thankfully accepted me and even on occasions allow me to be seen with them in public. I think I got all of a chapter written before I got bored and moved on to something more interesting (my neighbors cousin).

Speaking of writing and an inability to shut off my mind for sleep, I guess I could put this time to good use and add to my manuscript. I've got high hopes for this work. I have a beginning, the focus audience, what I want the book to focus on, how I want it to end, and even the title. No, I'm not going to give any details because really I have no idea if this will ever get past the first few chapters, but it's still something I'm excited about for right now.

Off to create and hopefully sooth my racing mind enough to sleep. The morning is going to come quite soon.

Driven to Grace

2008-08-03T01:07:00.005-04:00

I admit it; I love Max Lucado. I realize he is the epitome of a cliché, that he’s the writer for all beginner Christians and that there are many more orator out there that would further my ponderings of Jesus and what it means to live a life such as he exemplified. Still, I am a fan. Currently, I am reading “In the Grip of Grace” and am feeling quite inspired by it. I had read this once in college, and I have distinct memories of sitting at the McDonald's in Williamsburg between classes, doing a devotional with this book. I remember reading the first chapter, a parable of how we seek grace and seeing myself in the last brother.

Allow me to explain. The parable talks about how four of five brothers end up disobeying their father and going into the river. The river sweeps them to a hostile land and describes how each deals with the situation. The first brother goes off to the natives living in the land, believing that their father will never rescue them. The second sits on a hill watching the first and is quick to point out all of his faults, keeping record of his sins so that when his father did come, he would have plenty to tell. The third brother decided the only way home was to stack rocks in the river, making it passable upstream and back home. Finally, the fourth brother sat and waited for his father. I saw myself in the third brother (who, by the way was so concerned in his desire to fight his way back that he ignored his older brother, sent by his father to come and get him). I was in bible studies, doing devotionals, denying iniquitous desires and volunteering in the kindergarten Sunday school class at church all to gain favor. I realized that my actions weren’t for the love of God, but to win his favor. I was immersed in vanity; believing that I could actually earn my way into His good graces was what motivated me.

Where is the balance? We desire to be good; to follow in Jesus’ footsteps yet can’t do our deeds in order to pay the debt we’ve accumulated. The problem is that we don’t know the cost of our sin. How much is an angry word? How much is coveting that which we do not posses? We don’t know this and can’t possibly guess what it is.

I am not a person content with being idle. When watching a movie, I have to be employed in some occupation or I will resort to either fidgeting with anything in reach or falling asleep. In fact, as I’m typing this, I’ve got a separate window open with a movie playing. I can’t just sit still. Perhaps it’s a product of my generation. I live in a time of constant activity and have always had such a drive pressed upon me. In my more naive moments, I would like to believe that it is simply my personality and not that of a societal drive.

The point is that I don’t think I could be that fourth brother. I could not sit idle, waiting for my father (or in this case, my elder brother) to rescue me. I would do anything that would seem productive. I am the third brother. I see this in my daily activities. I volunteer for anything that is in my capability, I read for further knowledge (and therefore to please my Father in my diligence) and reach out to those in need, hoping that all are seeing and taking note of my hard work. This isn’t the way.

God gives us grace not for what we do, but for His love for us. There is nothing that can be done that would give us the right to being within His presence. I can build all the stone walkways I want, but the truth is that the river which I have allowed myself to be swept down is so far away that 10 lifetimes would not be enough time for me to build up to my Father’s house.

Grace is one of those funny things. It is against our conditioning to accept something for nothing. Everything has a cost. Tit for tat. These concepts are engrained from youth and are quite hard to dispute. Is it a wonder that we continue to build stone walkways in raging rivers, keep score against those we believe are doing worse, or simply accept our surroundings and adapt accordingly? It’s hard to sit and wait. I know I have a deficiency in doing so.

I need to stop trying to make up for what I have done, accept the amazing gift that I have been given, and humbly live for my Father’s glory. It sounds easy, but rest assured it is not. Kudos to those who have mastered this task. Please feel free to instruct me on such a concept, as I am quite inept.